Life after the distance

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I’ve said my piece on long distance relationships (LDRs). No, I am not a fan, but yes, as I stated, there are instances where it may transition into a realtime relationship successfully, however this process takes at least just as much effort, and it is a lot more complex than people imagine initially.

In my opinion, this transition works best when two whole, emotionally fit people come together. Any cracks in the amour – the needy, the commitment-o-phobe, the serial relationship-er for example, as was mentioned in this article here, will be exposed and the transition will not last as long as the Red House fire.

You’ve managed to soldier through it, you’ve made your plans to unite at said time and the time is drawing near. How do you prepare for such a change?

First things first you don’t just ups, drop your life as you know it, and move. Noone ever tells the end of the fairytale story to riding off in the sunset on a horse like that. Know why? Because it always ends disastrous, and noone wants their kids to see that, so the story ends there.

Change that is that simple and drastic never works. Even with the most successful change, people, including you, need time to adapt.

What’s the best way to make the transition? My top 3 tips.

1. You BOTH have to move. Period.

Packing up and moving your life is stressful; one of the most stressful things you can experience in life. As a matter of fact, it’s ranked up there with death in the family, changing careers, divorce, and yes, marriage. Pure stress.

Even if only one is moving countries, the other person should do some moving of some sort – move apartments, neighbourhoods, states – SOMETHING, so that you BOTH have the feeling of dealing with displacement. I say this not to make lives unnecessarily miserable, but that both people are required to adapt and figure out this thing called life together rather than just one, the one who’s moved.

It’s less of a transition initially for the person who hasn’t moved, as everything is familiar – the neighbourhood, their friends, their routine. Trying to fit something new into something routine will always bring conflict, and so the person who hasn’t moved will feel the transition somewhere further down the relationship timeline, and as such the adaptation timing will be out of sync.

Also, and more importantly for me, when both people move, noone has any right to any property. Noone is ‘displaced’, and so there is no accidental talk about ‘my’ closet and ‘my’ apartment. Dem dere is fighting words son/ m’am. We are all aware that statements such as these are no-nos – Noone wants to hear or make that slip, but it will come out in the heat of an argument. Guaranteed.

2. Maintain your independence

Particularly important in relationships where most of the relationship has been LD, and you have never been in the same space with the person before, far less lived with them.

It is going to be very difficult for you if you are the one who’s moving to a new location, so it is imperative that you find out as much about the place as possible before your final move. Visit it if you can, look it up online, do your research. Check out possible job opportunities, or schools even if you are into that thing, or around that age.  Check out things that you can do, alone or together, depending on the dynamics of your relationship, and keep yourself occupied.

It took dedicated focus to make the LDR work, and trust that the work does not stop when you unite location wise. If anything else, the work has just started cause you now have to figure out how to exist with this person in your space 24-7.

3. Have a support network

OUTSIDE of your significant other. Enough of the fairy tales already, it can’t be both of you guys against the world. This world is entirely too small for that nonsense. It wasn’t like that in the LDR and it isn’t going to work like that in the long term in your realtime relationship. Initially perhaps, but ‘forever’ is a long time and so that initial euphoria gets stale real fast – 6 months to a year tops, sooner for most. After that, real life starts to creep in and you have real life issues and challenges to deal with – You both need people.

Do not alienate the people who supported you before. There may be a natural tendency to just place everything on the back of your pardner or when you feel that you are overwhelmed but we aren’t camels and so it takes very few straws for said back to break before even bending. It didn’t happen whole relationship long, so don’t expect that strategy to work overnight. It wouldn’t.

b Freakin’Fabulous

Photo: m_bartosch / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Summerlicious Style | Wrap Up

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Tick, tock, tick, tock. Summer’s almost done y’alls.

How do I know? Cause I’m already seeing Fall ’10 fashion show knock offs flooding the show windows; You know it’s all over when even the  stores for the masses start carrying heavy knits. Summer sales galore – HOLLA! 40% off CLEARANCE items? Already? Seriously? The ‘good’ stuff in MY size? GTFOH.

Got me enough summer goodies to last a lifetime. Lord knows I have nowhere to wear all this stuff, man I just leave my house so that I can wear some of this ish, cause I have left just about a kit a day from now ’til September. Never mind that my friend Sims tells me that Caribana signals the end of summer as you know it in Toronto (TO); You know I’m about to drag out this ‘summer’ deal for as long as I can cause your girl is NOT a fan of winter. Just the thought is depressing.

ANYWHOS! Unto more pleasant discussion, “Summerlicious” started in TO today so ya girl is about to get in some ‘quality’, hifalutin grub at ‘reasonable’ prices. *burp* I feel festive already.

Seeing that there’s lots more fun to be had for this summer, I’ll wrap up with my final take on rocking summer fashion and accessories for 2010.

Fashion

This season’s fashion is widely artistic and unstructured. Bold animal and tribal prints are thrown together with wild (intended) abandon. Matchy-matchy is so yesterday; let the colour blind among us represent. A mish mash, mosh pit of patterns, colours, themes, and concepts is everything that summer 2010 is all about.

If the risk of looking like a kaleidoscopic hot mess is too stressful for you, fear not, there are other options. You can easily pair this season’s safari nudes – khakis, taupes, warm greens, you know ‘earthy’ tones, with white for a sophisticated look, or you can choose to go with the timely classic, nautically themed, crisp pairing of navy and white.

Easy breezy, or loose yet fitted fashion choices in light, breathable, fabrics such as cotton or linen blends are your best bet. Not only do you look fresh but you also feel it. Lets face it; it’s hot out there. Not warm guys, it’s broiling hot. Things sweat. Body parts need to breathe. Help out your side. Lightweight breathable fabrics assist you in maintaining a dry, so fresh and so clean, look.

Summer is the easiest season to break all the style rules without being pulled over by the fashion police. Still, the rules must be broken fashionably so. It must be a deliberate attempt at haute and not a hit-or-miss-and-hope-for-the-best sort of scenario. For example:

1. Visible bra straps only work if the ‘bra’ is either a swimsuit, or serves no purpose whatsoever other than decoration, i.e. the straps are paper-thin. If the bra serves any other purpose, including but not limited to the word ‘support’, then either change the bra or change the frock. It’s that simple. We weren’t all meant to wear spaghetti straps or tube dresses.

2. Short shorts work well with flats as well as thong or gladiator sandals, which are a definitely step up from rubber flip-flops for social events. Heels magically lengthen and give additional tone and definition to the gorgeous gams that emerge from shorts, however, not just any type of heel will do. Avoid certain heels, like strappy evening stiletto sandal types with short, shorts. I can’t quite put my finger on why… but this combo just doesn’t look quite right, especially for daytime affairs. However, wedges and espadrilles, although they may be the same height as the aforementioned evening kicks, up the sophistication ante and miraculously tone down the streetwalker translation.

3. Stripes work well, but only when worn over your least wide part. Proportion is key. So depending on your shape, this may mean a striped top, a striped, skirt, a striped dress, or a striped bangle. Choose the right option for you.

Accessories

This summer there is plenty to choose from, as the options run the gamut from boho chic to sophisticated sass.

Bangles

Choose either one statement piece or stack and pile up many different types. Though varying combinations of metallics, tan, or bold seem to work best, there is a lot of room to show your personality here.

Necklaces

One eye catching piece or many extra long ones work well against a crisp, easy breezy white canvas. Whatever your vibe is, there are a million ways to make it work for you.

Shoes

Gladiators, wedges, beach sandals, flats, or – my fave – kick-ass, sky-high, platform heels. Noice!

b Freakin’Fabulous

Photo: Darren Robertson / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Perfecting the Art of Being Ignored

Long distance relationships, (LDRs). Most of us have done one at some point or another. Me? I am no exception. I’ve been in one long distance relationship longer than I’ve been in all my realtime relationships altogether, so I’ve learnt a thing or two about LDRs. I’ve learned that I’m not a fan.  My thoughts? Don’t do it. Get out when you can, cut your losses, move on and save yourself the stress, expense and impending heart break.

Essentially, in my view, long distance relationships help you perfect the art of being a-o-k with being ignored.

“Ride or die”

Roight.

Something about that concept seems a whole lot more enticing when you are a teenager and the ‘die’ part isn’t a reality teetering on your doorstep. After a certain age, you tend not to throw that ‘die’ word around too much, cause it just might happen. Who the hell really wants to die when there so so much more of life to be lived? Hellz Naw. Sheeeeeeeeet.

After a certain age, “Ride solo” becomes a much more viable option than “die”.

First things first, LDs will never work indefinitely. Don’t just opt to enter into a LDR without any specific talk of when both parties will eventually re/unite. Just met and think talk of ‘commitment’ is too soon? Therein lies the first and only waving red flag you will ever need; for everything after that is downhill.

When to call it quits:

1. When the time you have been in a long distance relationship is longer than the sum time that you have ever existed together in the same space.

2. If you aren’t married, and therefore don’t legally have to subject yourself to abject loneliness.

That said, I do think LDRs serve some purpose, just not the purpose of fulfilling the ‘happily ever after’ plot. LDRs probably work best when a firm relationship foundation has been established  and, in true fine form, life rares it’s head and demands that one partner be away for a period of time, a year perhaps, because of work maybe, but said individual will. Be. Back for [other] contractual reasons.

There must be a plan, Stan. This is not backpacking in Europe. Roughing it just wouldn’t cut it, for you will find yourself stranded in Relationship’s harsh desert with nothing but mirages in sight for miles.

For example, long distance relationships are ideal for:

1. The commitment-o-phobe.

Not to be confused with the ‘single, independent and I like it that way’s, but the commitment-o-phobes – those of us who enjoy the highs of being in a relationship but are freaked out by the sheer permanence of it.

If you fall into this category, then you absolutely score with LDRs. You get to be in a relationship without actually having to be in, or move like you are in one. Ever. You can come, go, and stay where and as you please. For all intents and purposes, you are single, for all but 2-4 weeks of the year when you actually see your [alleged] significant other. The time is such a hot minute, that no-one in your camp has to either know that the person who is visiting you has a ‘special status’, or conversely, that you have gone missing. There is no lingering body trailing you anywhere consistently, and so you are under no pressure to explain anything or introduce anyone to …. anyone, period.

Rather, you get to have an out-of-town fantasy whenever, and only as, it suits you best. Brilliant.

2. The needy

You get to bore somebody to death with the mundane happenings of your day, good, bad or indifferent. Because the person doesn’t see you often, s/he will feel less likely to either say they are busy or worse, hang up on you, stuff that will metaphorically happen in real life.

The upside to being on the other end of the telephone conversation is that you don’t really HAVE to listen or pay attention. Cause unlike a face-to-face convo, your reaction and body language isn’t being monitored so you don’t have to cater. You can do whom or whatever else you please on the other end. No worries.  Just put that phone on speakerphone already, say your “hmmms”, “ooohs” and “really?s” and get on with with your life.

3. The serial relationship-er

Those of us who physically cannot live without being in a relationship. This way, although it may be option Y, it’s still better than option Z – being alone, because of course having someone in the figment of your imagination is lots better than the thought of being ‘alone’.

If you do not fall into any one of these categories, you stand to gain very little from being in an LDR. In this case even the thought of an LDR is hive inducing, which is probably why you have figured out that you’d rather be single than in a LDR.

b Freakin’Fabulous

Photo: graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Sexilicious Summer

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Yah. So I was relieved of my World Cup watching duties for the last couple days just long enough to get back to work. These last couple weeks have been a blurr. Who knew so many things can happen in one month of June? Shout out to all my peeps who saw it fit to celebrate my existence on this earth with a birthday week to remember, not that I really do remember anything seeing that there were oh so many cocktail bombs involved. At least I have the pictures to jog my memory. ***ooooh for reals??? We did THAAAAAAAT?!! ***

Anyways, in the meantime, between all this World Cup and Wimbeldon action and all, summer is in full swing y’alls! Gotta enjoy it because blink 3 times and it’s over man, specifically referring to Canada and it’s rationed SIX WEEKS of ‘Summer’; 2 nights ago and I was already freezing. Still, gotta love the long days – 8pm and ya still sweating cause it’s 12 o’clock hot sun beating down your back, sandal season, chance to let your skin breathe and actually see real live human beings. Get in where you fit in because summer ain’t waiting on nobody. Who would have thought that there are so many beautiful people in Toronto? I certainly couldn’t have guessed that during the ghost town that is the winter season. My word the place is empty. Me likey this current situation a looooot.

Summer – Boat rides, cooler fetes, beach parties, BBQ’s, pool parties, patio brunches, lunches and dinners, all things Crop over – for my Caribbean peeps and of course Caribana for my North American posse –  There is always an excuse to unapologetically bring the Freakin’Fabulous-ness; My kind of vibes.

Regardless of what you choose to don in the dance, however expensive or not, your biggest accessory this summer is your skin.

Show as much of it as you can get away with, without looking like someone’s jump off. This means no exposed butt cheeks; no fall-out boobies. Be well aware of your body type when choosing your kit and size, and most of all, wear it well.

Face

The summer heat can bring on the slick, so keep pores breathing with a skin treatment that involves a deep cleanse, exfoliation and skin rehydration least once a month to keep the slick at bay and reveal fresh, healthy, supple skin.

Exfoliate skin at home at least once weekly (preferably evenings rather than mornings) to keep skin cells refreshed, and use hydrating moisturizers; mattifying ones if your skin is oily and/ or acne prone. Blotting paper can assist in keeping the shine at bay during the day.

Makeup

Well contoured, layered, and expertly applied makeup has its place, and it’s definitely not at summer events. Let your skin breathe Louise, it’s an oven out there. Heat does not befriend makeup convincingly.

When it comes to summer makeup, less is definitely more, for the more makeup you wear, the more makeup will slip – off your face and onto the shoulder of your friend’s crisp white shirt dress after that rehearsed “OMG!!!!…Hiiiiiiiiii! <<Grin>>” embrace. Interestingly enough, the less you wear, the less you’d have to fidget with your face and the more time you’d have to enjoy the intoxicating vibes. Sounds like a recipe for good times. 

The key is to let your skin radiate through your makeup, so opt for sheer colour. To achieve a dewy glowing look, use a tinted moisturizer mixed with bronzer rather than just plain old pressed powder. If you must wear foundation, opt for a light coverage formulation. Apply bronzer under your go to blush to boost your ‘natural’ glow, and choose golden or coral translucent lip colours for a most natural pout. Soft pinks or pale purples also work well on lighter and darker skin tones, respectively. For an unexpected pop of colour, use coloured eyeliner such as teal, which works well on most skin tones. Apply a coat or two of waterproof mascara and finish with a smile.

Body

It would stand to reason that, as clothing is minimal, hair removal is tantamount to being a prerequisite. No hairy peek-a-boo surprises please. Not only is it unpleasant for one to witness, but also it is also (or should be) pretty awkward for one to experience. Save yourself and everyone else the terrifically uncomfortable visual, and organize the line up/ removal of the hair situation pronto. Be sure to include scheduled visits for further upkeep. Anyone with a cell phone can easily turn paparazzi these days, so before your fluffy muffy ends up plastered over the Internet, consider hair removal a must.

Like the face, exfoliate your body at least once a week. Exfoliation is recommended at night time as this gives your skin some time to recoup and regenerate during sleep, which helps the newly revealed skin to be less susceptible to sunburn the next day.

Shoulders are dead sexy. Even if you didn’t get to do those handstand presses that you meant to do earlier this year, still expose your shoulders and collect your no-brainer, instant sexy points.

Feet

Please. Three words – Well. Groomed. Feet.

Manicures are necessary yes, but the condition of jacked up feet is an entirely higher, inexcusable level of unfab. Goodness.

Whether it involves a DIY or hitting the nail salon, feet need to be addressed. I know, it does seem like the feet are all the way down there but, don’t believe the hype, everyone still sees them.

Maintain your heels by giving them some gentle foot file action in the shower either daily or every other day and follow up with a thick moisturizer at night before bed. If the polish on your toes has a tendency to chip often, or become dull from walking in the sand, refresh polish every 2-3 days by applying a layer of top coat and your pedicure will last, as is, at least a couple of weeks longer.

The same goes for your hands. Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. Invest in some cuticle oil, or alternatively apply olive oil, jojoba oil or vitamin E, whatever you have, to your cuticles (hands and feet) every night before bed.

Long sandal wearing day? Pack a tiny bottle with oil (one with a polish applicator type top is helpful) in your bag and apply to cuticles as necessary – after washing hands or to refresh the toes. Really, it is just oil so you can never apply too much. In the event that your heels get ashy, apply the oil to the heels and rub in. I’ve found that a touch of one of the aforementioned oils work much better at concealing the ash than does a go to hand cream and, for my people who have a tendency to have sweaty palms after the application of certain creams, it’s much lighter and isn’t nearly as greasy.

For a no nonsense jolt of colour, try nail polish in one of the season’s various fluorescent hues. Haute!

Sunscreen

And of course, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t plug the use of sunscreen.

It will not only save your skin but you will appreciate that you took the extra 5 minutes to slather it on somewhere around 10 years from now. Sunscreen also helps prevent against pre-mature aging and pigmentation disorders, like darkening of the skin, especially in darker skin tones and Asian skin. You’re welcome. You can thank me later.

With the various different packaging of sunscreens out there – lotions, powders, sprays, wipes, and your old fashion lotions, available in two different formulations – chemical (for most skin conditions) and physical (for sensitive skin conditions), there is absolutely no excuse to expose your skin to potentially irreversible damage, unless you are dead set on looking like the grandparent in the bunch.

Alcohol, which increases the degree of a wicked dread sunburn or at the very least ‘tan’ for my chocolate peeps, will almost undoubtedly be the system so protect your skin accordingly. Get it. Wear it. Love it.

b Freakin’Fabulous

Photo: m_bartosch / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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