Perfecting the Art of Being Ignored


Thursday, July 8th, 2010

by 2 comments

Long distance relationships, (LDRs). Most of us have done one at some point or another. Me? I am no exception. I’ve been in one long distance relationship longer than I’ve been in all my realtime relationships altogether, so I’ve learnt a thing or two about LDRs. I’ve learned that I’m not a fan.  My thoughts? Don’t do it. Get out when you can, cut your losses, move on and save yourself the stress, expense and impending heart break.

Essentially, in my view, long distance relationships help you perfect the art of being a-o-k with being ignored.

“Ride or die”

Roight.

Something about that concept seems a whole lot more enticing when you are a teenager and the ‘die’ part isn’t a reality teetering on your doorstep. After a certain age, you tend not to throw that ‘die’ word around too much, cause it just might happen. Who the hell really wants to die when there so so much more of life to be lived? Hellz Naw. Sheeeeeeeeet.

After a certain age, Ride solo” becomes a much more viable option than “die”.

First things first, LDs will never work indefinitely. Don’t just opt to enter into a LDR without any specific talk of when both parties will eventually re/unite. Just met and think talk of ‘commitment’ is too soon? Therein lies the first and only waving red flag you will ever need; for everything after that is downhill.

When to call it quits:

1. When the time you have been in a long distance relationship is longer than the sum time that you have ever existed together in the same space.

2. If you aren’t married, and therefore don’t legally have to subject yourself to abject loneliness.

That said, I do think LDRs serve some purpose, just not the purpose of fulfilling the ‘happily ever after’ plot. LDRs probably work best when a firm relationship foundation has been established  and, in true fine form, life rares it’s head and demands that one partner be away for a period of time, a year perhaps, because of work maybe, but said individual will. Be. Back for [other] contractual reasons.

There must be a plan, Stan. This is not backpacking in Europe. Roughing it just wouldn’t cut it, for you will find yourself stranded in Relationship’s harsh desert with nothing but mirages in sight for miles.

For example, long distance relationships are ideal for:

1. The commitment-o-phobe.

Not to be confused with the ‘single, independent and I like it that way’s, but the commitment-o-phobes – those of us who enjoy the highs of being in a relationship but are freaked out by the sheer permanence of it.

If you fall into this category, then you absolutely score with LDRs. You get to be in a relationship without actually having to be in, or move like you are in one. Ever. You can come, go, and stay where and as you please. For all intents and purposes, you are single, for all but 2-4 weeks of the year when you actually see your [alleged] significant other. The time is such a hot minute, that no-one in your camp has to either know that the person who is visiting you has a ‘special status’, or conversely, that you have gone missing. There is no lingering body trailing you anywhere consistently, and so you are under no pressure to explain anything or introduce anyone to …. anyone, period.

Rather, you get to have an out-of-town fantasy whenever, and only as, it suits you best. Brilliant.

2. The needy

You get to bore somebody to death with the mundane happenings of your day, good, bad or indifferent. Because the person doesn’t see you often, s/he will feel less likely to either say they are busy or worse, hang up on you, stuff that will metaphorically happen in real life.

The upside to being on the other end of the telephone conversation is that you don’t really HAVE to listen or pay attention. Cause unlike a face-to-face convo, your reaction and body language isn’t being monitored so you don’t have to cater. You can do whom or whatever else you please on the other end. No worries.  Just put that phone on speakerphone already, say your “hmmms”, “ooohs” and “really?s” and get on with with your life.

3. The serial relationship-er

Those of us who physically cannot live without being in a relationship. This way, although it may be option Y, it’s still better than option Z – being alone, because of course having someone in the figment of your imagination is lots better than the thought of being ‘alone’.

If you do not fall into any one of these categories, you stand to gain very little from being in an LDR. In this case even the thought of an LDR is hive inducing, which is probably why you have figured out that you’d rather be single than in a LDR.

b Freakin’Fabulous

Photo: graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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  1. I'm just that good! says:

    Hmm, sounds like what you’re saying is long distance relationships = ample opportunity to horn !!!!

    [Reply]

    Supernova Reply:

    lol @ your name. Modesty much?
    Good summary. I would have just said that and called it a day, but I needed to somehow put in 500+ words ;)

    [Reply]

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