And then there were four
Thursday, September 2nd, 2010
Never wanted children. Been saying that for as long as I can remember. Don’t like needles and certainly don’t like the thought of them in my vagina! I thought my Labrador Retriever would be enough for me to exercise my maternal instinct, but God has a great sense of humour. So after seven years of marriage bliss, the second line appeared – that dreaded line that tells you that either have to be a murderer, or watch your own life die. Yip, I was pregnant.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my son. He looks like me and is the fruit of a fourteen-year solid relationship. Sounds like what every woman wants right?
Let’s just say… everything changed. I have to share the two things I adore the most, my husband and my daily ten-hour session with my duvet.
Let’s start with the sleep. I don’t get any.
Now let’s move on to the hubby. We met when I was 18, back in 1996 (that makes me 33 now). it was love at first sight, and we’ve been solid. Never had a “break” like Ross and Rachel, solid fourteen years of us. From the minute I found out I was pregnant, it became about the baby.
“Have you eaten?”
“Take it easy babe.”
“Let me get that for you.”
Now don’t get me wrong, he has always been considerate and kind, but, now that I was carrying the heir to his throne, these things increased dramatically, making me ask myself, so why couldn’t I get this love on steroids?!?!
He was there every step of the way, with a front row seat for the finale, which wasn’t that bad to be fair. Ok I got 17 stitches in my delicate flower but still, that can’t compare to taking him home.
The constant crying.
Wanting something.
Breast-feeding.
Being fat or more accurately feeling like a deflated balloon with a third of the air still in it, waddling around with my stitches and baby in tow.
Wasn’t in the mood for the constant “he’s adorable!” or “you’re so lucky!” didn’t feel that way. I wonder how many women feel the same way that I felt.
Are their smiles real or fake?
Do they like it? Being a Mother?
Sharing… EVERYTHING!!!!
I don’t like it and I was very vocal about it. I screamed, cried, dished out the silent treatment… you name it.
What worried me is that this is ME, in a relationship for fourteen years out of which married for ten. We epitomize love and happiness, so why was this so hard? How are other couples coping? Are they faking it?
I remember when I had my six-week appointment with the Doc after giving birth, I assertively asked her “Can we have sex now?” She was shocked, admitting that I was the first new mother that had asked that question so soon. So what, people stop having sex after kids?
Are you kidding me?
I have a very active sex life and that was certainly not going to change. So are there couples out there, running around with three kids, whose last rump shaker session was the last time they conceived? Madness!
That’s what makes me worry about people who jump into the deep end after a few years of going out. Are two or three years enough to tie oneself to another, only then to then have a child together? Your relationship/marriage has to be pretty strong.
Mine certainly is, but, never mind that, it still felt like hell sometimes. The spontaneity is just more challenging than it used to be. Before we would just jump on a plane for a weekend and go here or there, or visit new parts of the city that we haven’t seen before. Go out, hands swinging for the day, food and everything else we could get on the way.
Now? It’s like planning a diplomatic visit. The boy has to be covered for every possible situation. Change of clothes. Bottles. Food. Toys. Buggy. Rain cover. Eczema cream. Emergency toy in case there is tantrum and the other toys don’t work. Baby wipes. Diapers. Calpol. The list goes on. So guess what? We don’t go out as often as we used to.
I know what you’re probably saying… that I should be happy. That women all over the world wish they had my life. A husband who adores me. A gorgeous healthy son. I am grateful, don’t get me wrong but to say that I am happy? Not every second. Dude, this motherhood shit is hard. Especially for the first year, when you get nothing back. Now that the boy is approaching two, and his levels of interaction are increasing, I can say it is becoming fun but before now? Not fun.
Now my question is, are there mothers out there who are reading this and thinking *OMG! I feel the same way!*?
I wonder if they have told anyone. I say it all the time to anyone who would listen! Anytime there is a need for something in the house, errand-wise, I am the first volunteer – “I’ll go get it!” Actually, it has become a running joke in my house. Anything involving a task that takes me away from the boy-related chores, I am the first volunteer – guaranteed.
So how do we keep the love strong? Well after months of me screaming “I hate being a mother” (which I now conveniently blame on the hormones) things have settled down, and we are stronger than ever.
How did we do it? Easy.
We just keep a bit of US in our new life of routines. We try to have sex at least once a day. I know!!! Isn’t it amazing? Reason being, it is the rawest way that we can express our love for each other. It reminds us of how much we love each other and the bond that we share. Also, the endorphins released keep me happy for a day or so. When I get home from work, I say hello to the boy, give him a hug and then hubby and I have an hour or so of QT to exchange a recap of our day. We eat dinner together and try to watch at least one item of television together.
We email each other a lot more now. Before the boy, we would just pick up the phone, but, now with hubby being a stay-at-home Dad, he can’t always pick up the phone when he wants. With my job involving constantly being on a phone, a train, or a plane, sometimes email is the best way. It might sound clinical, but I love it. Now I get “I love you” all during the day, and little notes. It’s great!
We also have more patience and by “we” I really mean “him”, As having a child tests your patience anyways, I have found that I am much more patient about some things than I used to be. So if hubby is in a mood, rather than think it is because of something that I did (or usually didn’t do), I just think it is probably because he is tired or hasn’t eaten yet. Hubby is the same. He knows if I am a little snappy, it is because I am tired or just a bit fed up of it all – all fleeting feelings. So having the boy has taught us to let go of things more because let’s face it, we don’t even have time to fight!
But when we do fight, it’s brutal, and we like it that way. With all that is going on, the need to vent/release is greater than ever, and we understand that. So we have invented the
“One of us has to shut up”
rule.
The secondary rule is that we NEVER mean what we say. This allows us to vent, have a shout, say mean things and then take a deep breath, maybe a good cry, and then some sex. It works like a charm.
I hear so many people say sex isn’t as important as communication, respect, and all of that BS. Please! I challenge anyone who is in their mid thirties, and been married for ten years (have fun finding them) to tell me otherwise.
Sex with the hubby has been mind blowing from day one and it is only getting better. Sometimes we ask ourselves “How?”
It is because we know how important it is that we NEVER go through the motions – we make it worth it. That combined with the fact that sexual intercourse is a natural release of endorphins that make one happy. I mean seriously, who doesn’t like having an orgasm?
I could go on forever but I will say this, holding on to things that made you a couple in the first place is key. Sex of course, but the other things too.
Watching movies.
Listening to music.
Playing board games.
Cooking together.
Whatever is your thing, because it is going to be hard for a long time.
But for now, Saturday morning in bed with my boys? I am getting to like it – A LOT.
Mimi, this was a very well written piece and refreshingly insightful! Thanks for sharing this perspective.
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Thanks Brian! Today is the boy’s 2nd birthday so its been two years are we’re still on track! Keep reading!
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