Blues Clues | Find Your Fashion Sense
Wednesday, September 15th, 2010
I love shoes. They’re like my foot orgasms.
Personally, shoes (and clothing for that matter) are an expression of my inner being. A reflection of my inner thoughts, shoes are my opportunity to step into the world with wild abandon. On that note, I also like my jeggings, and my extensions. Sue me.
There is a reason there are stores out there with a plethora of new shoes, and clothing. This is so that when the old ones get ratty and disgusting, new ones can be purchased.
Not quite sure why this will come as a surprise to anyone, but I didn’t know that it was going to be necessary to inform certain folks on how/ when to exit your comfort zone.
“Whatever does she mean?” You ask.
*inhale*
*exhale*
We live in a brutal world, one where first impressions last. I will be the first to tell you that that mess stinks, I mean who wants to be seen as that shallow? Unfortunately, that’s the way it is. It’s a mind game, honey-pies. If you want to win, you have to learn the rules ofthe game.
The average person out there will treat you exactly how you treat your self. If you show up everyday with scant respect for your self, then guess what the world will do? They will wipe their feet up and down your rump. Twice.
And so it is with great trepidation I write on…
When to throw away the clothing that does not respect your body.
Ladies:
1. Stained, holey underwear, bras, tights and stockings are a distinct no no.
Nothing is worse than you going out for a night on the town with your significant other or new/ old/ borrowed, right-now, eye candy, and dude is about to get lucky. However you have to get undressed in the dark, because your underwear looks like it’s as old as X-men’s Wolverine, having lost the battle between the mutants and the humans. That ish could never be sexy.
It makes sense that if your va-jay-jay is your most prized possession, then you would want to take care of it. You know, take it to the doctor twice a year and yes, clothe it in breathable, pretty things. How do you expect someone to treat your lady parts with respect when you clearly don’t do that for yourself?
Sure, it’s not easy with the Uncle T.O.M.* popping in every so often, but we can’t let him get the better of us and make this be our staple. Let’s keep the sexy stuff for the nights out on the town and the hardware (those bingos) for the old Uncle.
*Uncle T.O.M. being Time Of Month.. whom I am of the opinion has to be a man since another woman would NEVER inflict those nasty hormones on another human being.
2. If you must, “comfy clothing” such as sweatpantS, short shorts, ratty vests, and your boyfriends old college t-shirt should remain at home, away from public view.
There is no reason to dress like that outdoors, even if it is just to go to the drugstore, EVEN if it is that time of the month. It’s appalling. Whatever happened to a simple pair of jeans, a baby tee/ vest and some clean sneaks, or pair of sandals, or some rocking heels (but that is just me…)
Dressing down doesn’t mean dressing down and out. Why leave your house in some hotshorts, that have seen better days, and apparently better arses, since you may or may not have packed on a few down there. Just so that we’re clear, no one wants to see your cheeks hanging out of a grey shortpant that does nothing to flatter, or tell the world of the great respect that you have for yourself. Normal jeans and a tshirt will do.
Please and Thank You.
3. If I see one more jacked-up, shoe mess I just might explode. If the shoe is missing heels, and make that scraping sound when you walk, guess what? Something is not right. Either have them repaired, throw them away, or wear another pair from your closet.
Safety pins on sandals, and busted sneakers… oh come on. If the fake leather is flaking off, then leave them at home please. And, oh gorm if yuh damn shoes talking to you, doh talk back – fix them or throw them out.
Shoes that have lasted 15 years should be left to die. Don’t attempt resuscitation.
4. Belts, jewellery and handbags that look like your dog chewed them should be replaced. Dirty head bands and hair accessories should either be washed or thrown away, or given to the aforementioned dog.
Gentlemen:
1. Holey undies are an issue.
If you don’t have to remove your undies to utilise the toilet , there is something severely wrong with this picture.
Your mother was right. Dress as if you may get into an accident, for you never know who you may meet.
While on the subject of undies – keep them in your pants. No one cares if you are wearing Fruit of the Loom, Tommy Hilfiger, Calvin Klein or Armani. Pull those pants up to where they belong.
2. Wear your size.
Clothing that is either too tight, or too big is not a fashion statement.
3. Ratty pants, ripped jeans or surf shorts, pants with oil markings on it, T-shirts that are ripped or stretched at the neck and arms, or anything that should be bound for the bin should not be intercepted.
4. On the subject of shoes, if it’s falling apart on your feet, that’s usually the last sign that it would give you that it has seen better days. Gluing them back yourself to some semblence of order doesn’t cut it.
It’s really not rocket science. Dress yourself with respect, and others will respect your self too.
End of story.
Forward ever.
Ladies. Pleather handbag straps need to be trimmed every so often. If you see them fraying, help your side and trim them – Leather doesn’t fray, just so that you know. Had another one just now and it slipped my mind. Will return to me soon.
Guys – Yellow armpit stained under(wear) tees worn as outer wear is just as flattering as flashing yellow/brown, nicotine/ coffee stained teeth. Not Sexy. Invest in a new pack of Hanes every now and then. Thanks.
As for the teeth part, Indulging in slowly killing yourself is purely your issue. But as it concerns us, the general public, brush, floss, and get an at-home teeth whitener kit, for starters. It’s bad enough to deal with on men, but reeeaaaally unattractive on women though.
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“Guys – Yellow armpit stained under(wear) tees worn as outer wear …” HAHA.. Girls can be just as guilty !
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Supernova Reply:
September 15th, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Mhmm. Don’t know which is worse though – females with white outer (under) tees with armpit stains, or those with the baby tee-vests that show a clear view of deodorant/ antiperspirant clumps tangled in untrimmed armpit hair.
You decide
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Good advice! I saw this lady at the pharmacy and her T-string had a hole in it! How the hell does one have a holy T-string!
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lol thats a new one – “wholey T-string Batman!”
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