Puma Was Here
Wednesday, October 6th, 2010
It’s funny how things happen. A good friend of mine was chatting with a group of us about her liaisons with a younger man. Married and going through tough times, she was contemplating ‘going the distance’ with a much younger guy who she met at a party some months before.
Apparently everyone in the group was having a younger man experience. All of us, in our thirties, were suddenly the objects of desire for men born in the eighties. After the cougar jokes were made, we looked at Halle, Demi, Bo and their relationships, the pros and cons of adultery, the ‘wondering what these guys would be like under the cover of darkness, and we all wanted to know:
Can this phenomenon of older woman/younger man work?
Thus came an informal Island Girl survey.
I asked some other friends the question: can an older woman and a younger man work, or is it doomed to be just a hot and heavy, non-committal type of interaction that eventually ends with the older woman in therapy and reverting to an insecure “22-year old” behaviour and the younger man hooking his hands in his belt loops screaming, “Scored!”?
Answers thus far:
“Man just like woman. Age is just a number. I don’t think it matters, once the sex good.” (Man)
“Well, at first, I think women will start off in control because the younger men usually give them the reins. And then somewhere they hand it to the younger men because it would have gone beyond sex by that time for the women. And men do not like commitment, no matter the age. So no, I do not think it will last.” (Woman who was with someone 8 years younger)
“Older women are more confident and they know what they want. That’s hot!” (Man)
“Depends where the woman is. If she knows what she wants and is in control of the situation, great. If she is a mess, it can’t work. If he is a mess, then look out –drama!” (Woman)
So everyone has his/ her opinion. I have a very good friend who is married to an older woman. They worked together, in the same organisation, separate departments, and dated quietly. Their relationship never interfered with their work, and they just had their first baby. The secret of their success is simple: “no drama and most excellent sex!” I laughed when he told me that. With men it is so simple.
On the flip side, another friend is dating a younger man. He is definitely fun, active and energetic and adores her from what I see. Sex according to her is ridiculously good. “But,” she whispers, “he is so moody! Like a child! Sometimes I just want to lick him down! But then he smiles and kisses me and I melt!”
I ask this question because I am interested in whether this situation could work for me. After the fur settled from the dog (Brian)/cat (Mimi, Camz, etc.) fight, I contemplated a lot of things. Am I limiting myself based on my 999 parameters for the ‘perfect’ man for Island Girl? Should I widen the search, incorporating those who have less money than me (so that is probably a vagrant); who have less education, and who were probably born in the eighties? Yikes!
I can’t lie. Younger men are fun-loving and more active! They have better bodies, well at least those who have been presented to me. I celebrated a birthday recently at a club. Met three guys…cute, bodies rocking. Ages: 22, 25 and 26! I’m laughing loudly as I write this, because the conversation, combined with alcohol and loud music?… Choke!
All were quite complimentary – “You smell good”. “You have great legs” . “You have a pretty smile”. Because everyone around me kept screaming Happy Birthday, the inevitable question was asked. When I answered no one seemed fazed. One of them even tried to cop a feel of my butt. Cheeky bugger. Yuck, but points for confidence (and hey, I almost got play for my b-day!).
My interest is sheer curiosity at this point. I have seen the flip to older man/younger woman growing in popularity, not just internationally, but locally as well. I like the idea of a guy who is up to, and I use the term to refer to all activities, anything and everything. Most literature cites that the energy between an older woman and younger man comes sans the commitment. It is raw, honest and most of all, fun for both partners. But…
My friend started out that way.
Her reasons for seeing him were purely primal. The hubby just was not doing it for her in that department. Golf and portfolio are his obsessions, so she began the liaison with the ‘smallie’ as he is referred to in ladies’ company. They both got to be together, but also to do their own thing. Then, suddenly, what was sexual connection and passion, turned into a deep, emotional bond between them. She, who is of the “my-biological-clock-is-ticking” club, felt that a non-commitment, a purely physical relationship, would decrease her chances of producing progeny (of course, complicated by the married part).
Midnight bbms between friends about whether she should nip it in the bud, should she just wait for the proverbial axe to fall etc., were the norm. She wanted to be with him all the time. He, though saying that he was in love, was not ready for the commitment of spawn. They are trying to work out a compromise. How does one compromise adultery, childbirth and parenthood…hmmm. I wait with bated breath.
I did psychology. This growing phenomenon was initially frowned upon because it seemed to cement the Freudian theory that older women were mother substitutes to younger men, and they, the women, were robbing the cradle. I think it’s garbage. Today, it is more socially acceptable – it is now a trend and will soon become a norm.
These days it seems that I am surrounded by younger men –at work, at after work limes, at the gym. Maybe it is a sign! So what would happen to Island Girl if she decided to venture down this path?
I am not one for the biological clock. It has not hit me, and I seriously doubt it will.
Am I in the market for great sex with no commitment? Not sure about that either.
I do know I want to have fun, feel special and just enjoy life! It seems to be a few of the benefits of this kind of relationship according to all the literature and testimonials. Is it one of those things that would burn brightly then fade out faster than you can say…well, anything really? I am less rooted in convention but would it be a waste of time for both ‘smallie’ and me? I believe that the correlation between age and maturity is negligible. Anyone can be attracted to one another regardless of race, religion, sex or age. What I think that may make this a workable situation is the mental bond. So I think age does not really matter.
What do you think? Should I open myself to any possible experience with a ‘smallie’?
For now, on to other things.
Doesn’t hurt to try something new. Just because you try doesn’t mean you are in in it for the long haul. I have had my experiences with ‘smallies’ some good some not so good. I am 41, divorced and right now not considering anyone over 35. And there are just soooooo many good looking ‘smallies’ to chose from. LOL! Older men just make me think of my dad’s friends; yuck!. And ‘smallie’ may not be the right term to use. The yungins are good for me right now because I am just not ready to be in a serious relationship. At some point I will be ready for that no matter what age they are.
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Do men ever mature? And if the resounding cry from my ladies is NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! – then age should matter.
Who is the right guy? Tough question. If you drink too much and squint your eyes, anyone can be the right guy.
I guess if a guy has less of the no-nos but is barely legal…are you going to a few prime numbers get in the way?
Just be careful with any man yes! Younger…why not?
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Well Island Girl, lets see here. I’ve always dated younger.. (ever since high school) – ain’t no shame in my game
I think by and large they step to me because they think that I’m their age, so the revelation after the 3rd or 4th convo that I’m not, is always an amusing reaction to watch. So in my case it’s just a numbers game with the luck of the draw. You must try it man. I’d recommend to anyone who’s single to try it at least once.
But I mean, just like their older counterparts, not any and every young’un should really qualify. Regardless of age you should always pick and choose your man – Mr. Right or Mr. Right now because you never want to find Mr. I-am-desperate. I don’t think it’s so much about the age…Trust that there are old doozies and young doozies. There are old men with baggage and their are young men with baggage. There are old A-holes and there are young A-holes.
I’ll put a disclaimer here though and say that you do have to be able to call a spade a spade and see it for what it is in these types of situations. I tired see women crash and burn like that. Start off as all hot and sweaty and get a high off of all the control that they believe they have with the SOD, only to start toting feelings when the guy calls their bluff. Womp. You can’t expect any normal human being to go from Hero to Zero in 2 seconds flat.
Also, there is the reality that not all younger guys wanna be treated as fresh meat. There are some younger guys who are super duper focused on settling down and being serious about the situation from the get go. These types kinda freak me out, because then for sure I feel like a mother figure on the sly. <> But some women can deal with that. To each her own.
There is something about the fresh outlook, the carefree vibe, the energy that I can relate to, and that I crave. I’ve been married, I’ve been divorced, and I’m raising a son on my own. I’m juggling 3 jobs, and I’m in a country that I’m only now starting to warm up to calling ‘home’, with a climate that depresses me for 9 months of the year. My life is serious enough as it is. Pass me the fun.
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“After the fur settled from the dog (Hulk)/cat (Mimi, Camz, etc.) fight…”
Woof? Really…!?
Question: Is it that all the successes and self-proclaimed independence of the 30′s+ power-women have sufficiently emasculated and distanced their counterparts (+/- 2yrs) thereby causing the proverbial pickings to be slim?
The fact is that these interactions with the much younger, drifting males, deemed to be ‘physical-only’ and ‘committment-free’…strongly resembles the need for said females to retain control of the circumstances and exude their self-esteem.
Is it because the alpha-male of similar era didn’t allow these ladies sufficient room for these innate properties that they now ‘prey’ on the naivete of youth?
I leave those questions open for further discussion…
However, I do agree with sentiments expressed above – if, as a lady, you need to wrestle your mind into accepting a younger guy that may be ‘right’ for you…you’re probably not quite the ‘old-maid’ yet. Age is certainly just a number.
I caution, however, on making these affairs merely casual encounters in an attempt to cope with failing marriages. It is certainly not a fair situation to all concerned and can quickly become an emotional mire.
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J: Lol to the older guys! I know right? I’d rather go younger than older….definitely!
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u are kind of my hero right now!
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u always so serious???? but i like quite not the old maid comment.
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loving this… but the older woman/younger man thing surely doesn’t last for me… i’m about to tell you that i’ve been seeing my first older man in 15 years… big change from the diapers i’ve had to change over the years… nooooot cool … but i encourage me fellow females to explore this option cuz i too have a friend… been shovelling shit since we out a school… and now??? met her a HOT yungun! ambitious, sexy, handsome, and he loves to show her off to his frenzzzz! perfect match i say… she’d have missed out on this if she’d stuck to her no young men policy…hmm age – let it be just that – a number …
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