Inappropriate Much?

I was privy to a child of about 8 years old dressed in the same outfit as her mother.

Umm. Why?

I find this disturbing. Porque? Because that mother should have some sense not to dress her child in a Halter top and matching short, shorts and boots. It’s bad enough on the mother, who managed to look like a stuffed sausage in stilettos, but the child, dressed in what was an obvious attempt to appear cute, just looked like a little Jon-Bennet on steroids.

What mother in their right minds would dress their little precious like a hoochie mama from Murray street corner? How is that cute? and lemme at the person who invented children’s shoes with high heels! There are medical reasons why children should not wear high heels, the decision to wear them is purely an adult one, as the repercussions range from mild discomfort to bunions and back pain. Have we taken leave of our senses?

Gone are the days of those cute little dresses with the frills that actually said “little girl here”. The days of the T-Shirts and jeans that didn’t cup the buttocks, the ones with the pony tails and ‘My Little Pony’ skirts.

Not to mention children today don’t even look like children physically. I happened to see a little one the other day. Was that the beginning of boobs? Hips? a butt?

“But wait!”

I wailed to my sister.

“She’s only 8!”

This could not be happening. But it was. It is. I have realised that the time is now if we are going to grip the bulls by the horns and start to teach our daughters that the human body is a temple. That should be treated with respect. It’s now.

I’m really disturbed. If we as mothers are not teaching our children, by word or deed, to respect themselves, then are we really so surprised when they don’t know their own worth and accept other peoples disrespectful treatment of them?

This is a trend that is getting worse as the ‘little girls’ are getting younger and younger. Babies are toddling about in leggings and t-backed tops or pint sized bikinis for the beach… 15 year olds are dressed like show girls from las Vegas to go to Prom/Graduation.

Where does it end? You can’t dress your little one like an adult and then go off the deep end when she mouths off on you – she thinks she is a little adult and so she’s confused when you smack the teeth out her mouth ( which is incidentally the correct response for back talk – forget the police, send the army cause I’m about the bring it like Saddam.)

And these days these little children are coming out with their hands on their hips and a “NOW WHAT?” attitude, the days of little bobble head babies are long gone – these coming out with swag.

All the more reason to let these children be children for as long as possible.

Teaching respect for oneself is something that is taught by actions, the everyday living of it, not the talk.

As it is right now I am fully aware that there are crazies out there who can get high off those baby commercials where the baby is licking a spoon.  EW.

So how much more will they be triggered by the sight of your sexily dressed little one?

As adults we can handle the results of our actions, and so its much more acceptable if you want to wear a nice pair of (tasteful) shortpants that flatter your shapely legs. Good for you if your halter show’s off your baby soft skin , and boobies to make a priest cry.

But We’re adults. And therefore more equipped to handle any weirdos that may blow our way.

As Parents we must protect our children as much as we can. Chances are we wont see when the weirdo passes by, casing out the joint looking for his next victim. Chances are we won’t even see his face. But we should be damned if we make his choices any easier for him.

Children should look like children, and dress like it, and I believe that this goes across the board – from zero months – 12 years, they should look like children. Teens are a different story – but the same thought process applies. If they are treated like teens – then they will act like it.

Forward ever…

The Frog Prince | Is that YO’ man?

Sitting in a car stuck in traffic, my attention is caught by a small, but noticeable brawl happening in the car next to me. The driver of the car was being verbally whipped by his female companion.

Chick: “Wa yuh watching she so for eh!?“

Dude: “Baby, I wasn watching nobody.”

Chick: “Yes! ah see yuh! yuh was watching that skinny Bi-atch. Yuh fine she nice, eh?”

Two slap pelt.

Chick: “Eh? eh? whey she is? lemme firetruck she up.”

I have to admit the ish was funny, I mean who doesn’t like a little gridlock drama to break up the monotony of the red-light that will not turn.

But  when their car pulled up level with mine and she started cursing ME? Well that was a different set of laughter altogether. Why was she angry with me? What did I do? Driving off, the last I saw, chick was jumping out the car to get over to the driver’s side.

I didn’t think about it much, until I was forced to remember the episode when I was at dinner later that same week.

Now, first things first, you know this diva. She don’t leave her house looking like no VIT [Vagrant in Training]. Skinny Jeans, nice shirt and, since I really liked the fella who was taking me out, he was worthy of me bringing out the big guns –  SLAMMIN’ heels.

Oblivious to anyone other than my my date, I take my seat, and the night begins on a lovely note.

Enter twenty minutes, and I become conscious of not one but two pairs of eyes glaring at me. Two ladies, both on their own dates, are giving me LEVEL cut eye. They’re strangers to one another and they are unaware of each other, but from my vantage point I can see that this is not going to turn out well if I am not careful. Simply because, try as they hard as they could, their male counterparts are trying not to look as if they are looking at me, and one idiot just gave up the fight and stared at me without any thought for his companion.

Now, please do not think that I am standing on a corner toot-toot-tooting on my little rusty horn. I am by no means a pagent queen, and would be the first to tell you that I ain’t no exotic beauty. I should have known that those shoes would have that kind of effect on men. They were my CFMs/ FMPs, [if you are unsure about what THAT is click here] and NO MAN can resist.

But I get away from my topic.

I am wondering why it is that we ladies are quick to attack another woman, an innocent woman, just because she exists, when the problem is clearly the fault of the toads we sometimes try to turn into princes?

How is it my fault that their MAN (temporary or not) does not respect them. I have been there too, sitting in the front seat of a car and my companion is distracted by a pair of long legs or a buxom beauty. Out comes the tongue, looney tunes style, eyes bug out on springs, and the hearts fly above the ears. The brave ones (or the stupid ones – you pick) may even go so far as to say:

“Pssst, O lord gyal, yuh sexy too bad! MMM! Ah HONG-gry!“

If I am out on a date, or its my BF, then I find some way to politely remind him that I am still breathing beside him, and then I either let this disaster take its course and remind myself that I am quite capable of taking a taxi, head for the hills, never again to return.

Ladies: Life Lesson # 456.

.

Never tolerate your date/boyfriend disrespecting you in any way whatsoever.

Take into consideration, however, that if he takes a peep, without hurting your feelings. He’s trying. After all he ain’t dead or blind. But at least he has taken into consideration that you are there beside him and he is  aware that you have feelings. Never make a scene. You are just opening the door for him to disrespect you some more. Possibly to give his card to the lady he was oogling when you leave to go to the bathroom, having just written you off as drama he could do without.

And, # 678,

Never EVER blame the other woman.

Unless she sashays brazenly over to the table where you are sitting enjoying your meal, looking at each other all googly-eyed, drinking your champagne, all arms curled, you know honeymoon style, Unless she offers her self to him and makes and holds eye contact with your stallion, inviting him to mount, Unless she takes out her boob and flings it at him thereby catching and keeping his attention, you need to be taking out whatever vexation you have on your man.

Rinse and Repeat.

YOU accepted the responsibility of training a toddler, didn’t you?

You, my friend, are the one who chose this poor excuse for a human being, and let him share the divine castle that is your life. You saw the signs; you know how he do. What you fretting with the innocent for?

In fact, I’d even go so far as to say: It’s YOUR issue. Take it up with yourself.

Because you are the one who is sending the message that you are not worthy of being treated like the ‘princess’ that you obviously think you are. Wake up! If you have kissed this frog a thousand times and he still doesn’t go POOF! and turn into the handsome, gallant prince – smoke, mice and footman included – see him for what he is, a toad, gather him up, and take him back to the sewer where you found him. *splish!* He’s home now, and believe me he’s happy.

But if you keep him *smile* and he treats you the only way he knows how being a toad from the sewer, i.e. like ish, then who’s fault is that? The hot W.O.W. wearing the killer heels, sitting with her own Prince, who incidentally is not looking anywhere else but at her object of affection, who couldn’t be bothered with the chicken heads.

“No ma’am sorry but I don’t feel like chicken today. How about a rump roast, medium rare, sauce on the side please and thank you.”

And resumes staring lovingly at his companion? My fault? NOOOO. Its YOUR fault baby, for not reading GC more often, and applying the tips we share every damn day for cleaning out your closet.

Trust me, these dramatic displays of emotion never do anything but paint you as the needy, emotionally unbalanced, grasping, human being you are, [or are not].

Try this instead:

In carefully modulated tones, and with the sweetest smile that you can conjure up on your face, say:

“Um, hey hun – are you about to go give her your number? Cause if you are, let me give her for you. I was just thinking that you two would make a lovely couple. She is so your type.

Sooo…  Should we order now?”

And then make a mental note to call your friend when you get to the ladies, and see if they still wanna hit the club after this dinner is over, cause if homeboy don’t realize that you are Fabulously Fierce, then he deserves to be left behind, sitting next to his sewer waiting for his next victim to come along and mistake him for a Frog Prince.

Let someone else handle that mess.

Forward ever.

Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

I have always felt that in order for one to achieve true happiness, one must follow one’s life path, while stepping on the least  number of toes possible, or causing hurt to anyone around you otherwise.

I have been privy to many ideas and notions of what makes a man, a man. The alpha male. The good man. The elusive one as I like to call it.

There is the physical attribute bit – tall, easy on the eye, strong shoulders, shoulders straight not rounded, generally fit … My  ideal man does have a resemblance to a certain shape-shifting wolf, in a certain series of sunsetting of movies…

Back to the point at hand, there are lots of ideas of what a real man should look  like, and how he should act. I overheard an idea this week, which spoke of men as powerful creatures,  who ruled the world with just a hint of a smile and charisma, with firmness, and of course people follow him every where like slaves, or mice stumbling after the pied piper.

The true male – at least by society’s standards – is without fault, and without failure.

Hmm. Good luck with that.

I find that hard to believe. In fact I will go so far as to say the Alpha male, as was just described, does not exist.

I’ve had a lot of interaction with the male species of human being, but first let me give you some insight into who I am as a woman.

I am not lacking in intelligence. I am not in the habit of allowing situations that occur in and around my personal space to colour my feelings – ( that all men are horrid, horrid creatures), though I will admit to having used it at one point or another,  in a natural fit of rage, for example when the child’s father insists on not purchasing the stuff for the child like he said he would.

In my experiences, it would appear that men can swing either which way when it comes to being a good or bad one. But this isn’t limited to only men – each person has the potential to become either the best that they can be, or the worst  being mankind has ever seen.

The notion that men are these invincible beings, at the top of the food chain, who possess the power to screw with my life as they see fit is the part that I don’t subscribe to. This is real life not “Twilight” dammit.

What we have is the Individual Man, the one who does not fit in to any mould cut out for him by any society, but tries to live his life as best he can without consciously hurting anyone that he may meet – male or female

Now we talking.

I could care less whether a man displays Alpha male tenancies, from what I read these are easy to imitate, so easy  I see an entirely different species – women – imitating it quite convincingly.

What I’d rather see is a man who has the guts and the gumption to own his actions.

Trust me when I say that I don’t want to hear the excuse,

” Well I was hurt by another woman long time ago ,and so I just going to do the same thing to every other woman I meet until I feel that I have squeezed out of life what is due to me.”

That doesn’t make you a Pretend Alpha Male, or an Alpha Male who’s been hurt and isn’t really like that , that just makes you a vindictive douche.

And I don’t want to know that you “have respect for every woman” as an Alpha male, because you and I know that is also a load of crock. Ish on a stick. If you can drop your pants and share some sugar stick without having feelings for your lady friend that doesn’t make you a bad person, that just means that you are taking what is being offered. What defines you is whether you are being HONEST about it.

I believe in the actions of the Individual Male.

I believe that each person should do what is right for him/her without actively causing pain to another by their actions. What I hate most about any man is the justification for their actions.

“Well I didn’t tell you I loved you back because I was taken off guard”…

“Well yes I did cheat on you, but you never give me attention anymore.”

“Well, I was hurt by another woman that you don’t know at all, and that is why I acted how I did, treated you how I did, I’m really a swell person and you should love me now, I’m all better…”

“I respect women across the board, I love and cherish women, what? Relationship you say? um nah – lets just have some quick sex – but doh tell anyone eh? I don’t want my friends to know that we are having sex. It would complicate things and people would know that, well… we’re having sex.”

“I hit you but you made me do it, no honey I wasn’t listening to Chris Brown or Eminem at the time.”

When I do my wrongs and I’m found out, I accept that I’ve been caught ,and I brace myself for whatever the consequences may be. I won’t say I’ve never told a lie, or ever hurt someone by my actions – that would be an untruth. But, when presented by the irrefutable evidence of misbehaviour as I would see it – I always judge a person by themselves – Never with the weight of their predecessors on them. Its oh – so tempting but really? What good would that serve?

I cannot and will not allow society to corral me into what they think  should be as a “Woman”.

So what if I’m not married at 32, and so what if I didn’t go to college? So what if I am not a Beauty Queen, or have life handed to me on a silver platter, So what? If they think I don’t fit the mould of what they think I should be – then they missing out on a great person. Their loss.

Likewise, I refuse to buy into what society thinks is what a man should be, or how he should act. The only thing I want from a man is that he be honest with him self and me.

Yuh like plenty woman? Say so.

Yuh like to party at the night club? Say so.

Yuh just want to have a sexual relationship – no feelings or emotions involved? Tell me.

Tell me up front and then let me make the decision whether I want to deal with that isht or not.

Who knows maybe I might say - “yeah ok… cool” or perhaps “Nah I’m on a different path right now.”

But don’t lie to and make people think, by word or deed, that there is a chance, for something greater, or  (the best one) that the other person is at fault, To me this is what defines a man as a man.

We all know that some people may think that its ok to subscribe to this kind of nonsense. I’m not judging them for that, but I refuse for anyone to think I am less for my choices , because my choices are not their choices.

Everyone is always quick to point fingers, to judge, but I am a strong advocate of fixing what is in your house first before you lend me your hammer to nail down meh roof.

All of us are human. We all have to deal with our choices in life. But there is not one rule that states that we have to be silent about it – just because society does not agree with what they believe is right.

Men to me are just that. Men.

Capable of fault, and making mistakes. And choosing that path to where ever it is they need to go. Equipped with the knowledge of right and wrong. What makes you a better MAN is not your animalistic tendencies. What makes you a REAL man is not whether you display societies definition of the Alpha male.

Its your compassion for your fellow man. Your Ability to lead despite what society says about you. The knowledge of what is right and what is wrong and the implementation of this into your everyday life.

The ability to say:

“Hey there. I made a terrible mistake. I do think you are a swell lady. But when you were ready for love I was not. its not that I didn’t feel the same way, its just that i wasnt ready for any kind of feeling at all…”

The presence of mind to say – “This is me.  You may not like it but here I am. Take it or leave it.”

And of course the ability to see when you have a good woman who loves you. Chances are she won’t be your ideal woman either (not every one looks like Aishwarya Rai).

Its so NOT you talking about your fellow man, behind his back, trying to make another man look small, pointing fingers at someone because their choices are not your choices. Its not you trying to make them look a certain way in the eyes of the lady who used to be in love with you but now has fallen in love with someone else. Someone you may not consider worthy of her. Someone you may think is not society’s  idea of a Real Man.

But look at it this way.

If she were so great, and worthy of a good man when you had her in your sights? What stopped you from showing her off to the world? What made you let her go?

A real man would say: “I had a good woman. I messed it up. She’s happy now. I want her to be happy.”

A real man would concentrate on making himself better. He would not think that he is above reproach, he would try to make him self better for the next lucky lady who happens to choose to be in love with him.

A real man is just that -REAL.

Forward ever.

Operation : Edit Mental Space

Ever since I was a little girl and the mean kids didn’t want to play with me, my mother always told me that I don’t have to make friends every where I go. It would be nice, but it wasn’t a prerequisite.

I have also been a serious advocate of the “clean your closet” phase of life as well, you know kinda like when in real life you remove the stuff in your closet that just can’t fit, is old news, or just doesn’t do it for you anymore. Well it works for your mental life too…

You see my theory is if you have people taking up room in your heart ,then then they’d better be worth something.

You want the sunshine bringers, and the mood lifters, the song singers and the mental dancers.  And yeah, you want the serious ones too – those who aren’t afraid to slap you upside the head and say “I love you girl but you flushing your self down the toilet. Wake up!”

You can do without the wannabe drama queens, and the people who can’t share anything of themselves, and the stalkers, you know the ones, who you just know are wanting to be your friend because they have an ulterior motive – like popularity or envy. They follow you about and wait for a photographer, so that all of Trinipulse can KNOW that they were at that party with you, and then suddenly their whole life is just like yours, even down to the look alike boyfriends.  Phone calls to you are abundant, and Ms. Photostalker suddenly will resort to using the office phone line to call you, and leave pleading messages on your phone, pretending not to know why you stopped talking to her.

Can I hear restraining order?

I believe that one should surround one self with Positive People.

How how does one go about doing this? I can only tell you what worked for me.

I wrote a list. I put the people that I really could not do without on one side that was labeled “People I can’t do without“. Then I put the people that I thought I could do with a break from on the side that I labeled “People I need a break from“.

And then I did just that.

And then of course there are the persons who didn’t make either list. What to do with them? Hmmm….

Well you dont have to do a damn thing.

You don’t want to be their friend – and you don’t have to feel badly about it.

See my mother was right. You don’t owe the world anything. The persons that matter are yourself and well… Yourself.

Sounds selfish huh?  True, but hear me out.

There some persons out there who just do not deserve to be in your life. You were nice and you opened your heart to them, and they either are too selfish to care about your needs, too caught up in their own lives, and only come to you whenever they need you do be there, or want you do something. When you need them they are never there, and when you go out in public, they do their best to ignore you as if you guys didn’t come there in each other’s company in the first place, God forbid if you were part of a group. You end up feeling like an outsider the rest of the night. Sounds familiar?

Well think about this. When you were in this situation how did you feel? Do you remember? Did the person treating you with such scant courtesy think about how you felt?

Nope.

So why are you wasting precious time worrying about their feelings? Just move on.

Shut the door on that and hop on a train to Happy Fun Times!  Chances are they won’t miss you anyways. And if they should call? Hit the End Call Button. That works really well. Well, it does for me.

You need to find what works for you.

Sure, people might get a little hurt, some might ‘tote’ feelings, but in the grand scheme of thing’s, you didn’t mean that much to them anyway, so they’ll get over it.

And you? You get piece of mind, a clean mental closet. and more time to love those who love you.

A life that is worth living, is shared with the people who help make it worth living.

Finally a Catch 22 that makes sense.

Forward ever.

Blues Clues | Find Your Fashion Sense

I love shoes. They’re like my foot orgasms.

Personally, shoes (and clothing for that matter) are an expression of my inner being. A reflection of my inner thoughts, shoes are my opportunity to step into the world with wild abandon. On that note, I also like my jeggings, and my extensions. Sue me.

There is a reason there are stores out there with a plethora of new shoes, and clothing. This is so that when the old ones get ratty and disgusting, new ones can be purchased.

Not quite sure why this will come as a surprise to anyone, but I didn’t know that it was going to be necessary to inform certain folks on how/ when to exit your comfort zone.

“Whatever does she mean?” You ask.

*inhale*

*exhale*

We live in a brutal world, one where first impressions last. I will be the first to tell you that that mess stinks, I mean who wants to be seen as that shallow? Unfortunately, that’s the way it is. It’s a mind game, honey-pies. If you want to win, you have to learn the rules ofthe game.

The average person out there will treat you exactly how you treat your self. If you show up everyday with scant respect for your self, then guess what the world will do? They will wipe their feet up and down your rump. Twice.

And so it is with great trepidation I write on…

When to throw away the clothing that does not respect your body.

Ladies:

1. Stained, holey underwear, bras, tights and stockings are a distinct no no.

Nothing is worse than you going out for a night on the town with your significant other or new/ old/ borrowed, right-now, eye candy, and dude is about to get lucky. However you have to get undressed in the dark, because your underwear looks like it’s as old as X-men’s Wolverine, having lost the battle between the mutants and the humans. That ish could never be sexy.

It makes sense that if your va-jay-jay is your most prized possession, then you would want to take care of it. You know, take it to the doctor twice a year and yes, clothe it in breathable, pretty things. How do you expect someone to treat your lady parts with respect when you clearly don’t do that for yourself?

Sure, it’s not easy with the Uncle T.O.M.* popping in every so often, but we can’t let him get the better of us and make this be our staple. Let’s keep the sexy stuff for the nights out on the town and the hardware (those bingos) for the old Uncle.

*Uncle T.O.M. being Time Of Month.. whom I am of the opinion has to be a man since another woman would NEVER inflict those nasty hormones on another human being.

2. If you must, “comfy clothing” such as sweatpantS, short shorts, ratty vests, and your boyfriends old college t-shirt should remain at home, away from public view.

There is no reason to dress like that outdoors, even if it is just to go to the drugstore, EVEN if it is that time of the month. It’s appalling. Whatever happened to a simple pair of jeans, a baby tee/ vest and some clean sneaks, or pair of sandals, or some rocking heels (but that is just me…)

Dressing down doesn’t mean dressing down and out. Why leave your house in some hotshorts, that have seen better days, and apparently better arses, since you may or may not have packed on a few down there. Just so that we’re clear, no one wants to see your cheeks hanging out of a grey shortpant that does nothing to flatter, or tell the world of the great respect that you have for yourself. Normal jeans and a tshirt will do.

Please and Thank You.

3. If I see one more jacked-up, shoe mess I just might explode. If  the shoe is missing heels, and make that scraping sound when you walk, guess what? Something is not right. Either have them repaired, throw them away, or wear another pair from your closet.

Safety pins on sandals, and busted sneakers… oh come on. If the fake leather is flaking off, then leave them at home please. And, oh gorm if yuh damn shoes talking to you, doh talk back – fix them or throw them out.
Shoes that have lasted 15 years should be left to die. Don’t attempt resuscitation.

4. Belts, jewellery and handbags that look like your dog chewed them should be replaced. Dirty head bands and hair accessories should either be washed or thrown away, or given to the aforementioned dog.

Gentlemen:

1. Holey undies are an issue.

If you don’t have to remove your undies to utilise the toilet , there is something severely wrong with this picture.

Your mother was right. Dress as if you may get into an accident, for you never know who you may meet.

While on the subject of undies – keep them in your pants. No one cares if you are wearing Fruit of the Loom, Tommy Hilfiger, Calvin Klein or Armani. Pull those pants up to where they belong.

2. Wear your size.

Clothing that is either too tight, or too big is not a fashion statement.

3. Ratty pants, ripped jeans or surf shorts, pants with oil markings on it, T-shirts that are ripped or stretched at the neck and arms, or anything that should be bound for the bin should not be intercepted.

4. On the subject of shoes, if it’s falling apart on your feet, that’s usually the last sign that it would give you that it has seen better days. Gluing them back yourself to some semblence of order doesn’t cut it.

It’s really not rocket science. Dress yourself with respect, and others will respect your self too.

End of story.

Forward ever.

Got M.I.L.F.?

.

I’m standing in the grocery at the cash register, searching through my purse so I could give the cashier come coins – they seem to multiply in the bottom of my bag, but the dollars never do. I am feeling these eyes upon me, but I pay them no mind,  since I am very aware that I create a striking  picture. I mean at thirty-two, I look much younger than I am. Gotta love those good genes. I’m a little under 5ft tall, about a size one, and the mother of an eight year old. I try as much as my extra cash will allow me to keep looking like I still got it .

I was confronted by a young man who was so avidly admiring me, and was visibly thrown six feet when he turned to his peer and said, “Look, M.I.L.F.”

I thought I’d heard wrong, and it was really “look MILK” he had said, and I spent the ride home in the taxi wondering what the heck he meant by referring to me as a cow.

At home, I asked my younger brother about it, and he began to laugh at me. In fact he was ROTF. I was oblivious to what caused him to break into thunderous laughter at the fact that I was MILK.

When he eventually got himself together, and heard the whole story, he straightened his face and told me that it was not “MILK”, the young man was refering to but “M.I.L.F.” - A Mother he would Love to F…

What the HELL?

I was enraged. How dare he?! I mean … I was… I was… wait? I was … exactly that… by his opinions anyways.

STEUPS.

Another younger brother was with me at the time, and was very vocal that he found it gross that this idiot boy could see me as that, since clearly I was just his homely big sister. Silly little boy. What the hell does he know ?  He crazy? I am one hot mama.

But I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that someone could refer to me as such – I found it a little degrading and a bit annoying. I mean what woman wants to be reminded that her life is practically over and what they are saying to me is

“despite the fact that you’ve had a child, and are above thirty – I’d have sex with you anyway”

Flattering? I think not.

Apparently in England the term is “yummy mummy” but it normally refers to the set of young women who are mummies, but not over the age of thirty. Thirty seems to make mummies less yummy. Go figure.

More research told me that in some cultures the ‘Hot Mama’ was a ‘Bad’ Mama, a mother concerned more with her looks than with her children/spouse.

Then I asked some other males, and they informed me that I should be flattered, that rather it was a compliment and stop itching about it. That it wasn’t that they would sleep with me despite my age, but rather I was like an old wine that got better with age. Yay me!

I still don’t want to be a M.I.L.F.

Flattering as it may seem at first, I am a damn good mother and just because I happen to be blessed with my parent’s good genes, and look younger than my age, doesn’t mean that I am a bad parent, or as the term suggests – but doesn’t actually say – a woman of loose morals, who just happens to have a child/children.

Nor have I lost my mind and am going to even tolerate or entertain the notion of returning the eye of the young man packing groceries at the end of the counter, since because there is no way I am going to take someone else’s baby and make them my ‘boychildfriend’. I already have one child, who wants another snotty nose to wipe?

There is a reason I grew up. It’s so that I would have some experience to look back at and maybe share with the younger ones. I don’t believe that this experience sharing extends to sex.

I don’t believe that my worth is diminished by the amount of circles my tree trunk has either. In fact, I become more worthy the more experienced I become.

And so I have a new name for myself. I’m a W.O.W – a Woman of Worth… now THAT’S flattering!

Forward ever

Dying for fashion

I’ve just come out of hiding. You know this. But I keep seeing something that makes me want to run right back  into my secret hiding place, until it all goes away. What the hell is up with ‘skinny’ jeans, ON MEN?

I mean, I am something near to disgusted when I see this ungodly trend. I don’t know what it is like outside the wonderful cocoon that I like to call Trinidad, but I went to a band launching this year and I was appalled and worried at the same time to see all these ‘skin-tight’ jeans on men. Especially the young men. Never have I ever been so happy to be my own age (especially when I’m considered a MILF – a degrading, but somehow flattering term I will touch on at some point.)

I see these young men strutting around, and the pants are so tight,  TOO tight. My girlfriend had to point out  to me that some of these little boys (cause no Grown man would would wear these fashion DON’TS on purpose; they’d be aware of the risks) are actually wearing  women’s jeans, which just is just bordering on insane.

Some other trends that throw me for a loop are the:

1. Grilles.
   Gold/ silver/ diamond encrusted/ platinum teeth coverings
2. Excessively baggy pants.
   that are so large that they would not ever fit even with a belt
3. Underwear that is purposefully on display.
4. Tonnes of gold, silver and platinum jewelery around the neck
5. Earrings that are ridiculously large and/ or way too heavy for any earlobe to handle .
   Both the diamonds, real or fake, and the ones that stretch the earlobes to gargantuan proportions.
6. Full body tattoos with no meaning to the individual whatsoever other than, “I liked the design“

I can go on forever.

But the one that really worries me is the tight pants on fellas. I mean is this the end of the human race as we know it? Do they really know the consequences of these choices?

Even I know that there is a reason that the Almighty put the family jewels in a little sack AWAY from the body. It is because the normal body heat of the human being can hamper sperm production.

HMM…

I am actually a little happy about this since I have two younger brothers who have fallen prey to this fad:. It means that should they put Jesus out of their thoughts and do the nasty without protection, at least the little swimmers will be at a distinct disadvantage. For some men its reversible, but who wants to test that theory?

This trend is so worrisome to me that, as per usual, I just had to do a little more research to see what are the possible repercussions of squeezing and suffocating the man jewels. The list was shocking. Aside from the reduction in sperm production that I already knew, I read about hip displacement, strange bowel movements, nerve damage…

I mean we ladies wear the high heels, but that isn’t screwing around with our reproductive systems. This is serious people!

Then too, it doesn’t even look good. I am sorry but I don’t find it sexy to see tight-@ss jeans down to the ankles, drawers hanging out AND converse sneaks. YUCK!  Beenie man is an entertainer , who needs the attention and so can wear that nonsense and get away with it. It’s like Lady Gaga – you don’t see me wearing period coloured lingerie.

So the choice is yours fellas. Die for fashion or Live with sense. If you plan on having kids, you will be thankful that you chose the latter.

Forward Ever

Grains of Hope

Grains of Hope | Wesley Williams

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Earlier this year I was the recipient of a letter from our resident stork. It kindly informed me that I was going to be a mama (again) and that I should probably believe the two red lines in the pregnancy test that did say that I was preggers.  (more…)

Get high on highlites!

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Summer is fast approaching and whether you are thawing out over there, or baking and sweating over here, I know that this is a time for stretching those adventure muscles and trying new things.

You’ve been good girls – taken care of that hair, made sure it was covered from the biting cold and deep conditioned enough to prevent it snapping in two from being dry and brittle, and now you want to shake those tresses and strut your stuff at the beach right?

You worked out following the sinful gluttony that was the Christmas season, and now have got those abs in tow and purchased that killer bikini, but either way, what about the hair?

A change is needed… but what? Sooo many options, so little time. The best choices are the ones that won’t bust your pockets but will beckon lustily to the nearest hottie in surfshorts to your left.

What about some sexy hi-lights? Surely these will jazz up any winter hat hair.

But before you get too giddy, first the hair strands must be healthy enough to handle it being properly stripped, so be sure to follow a deep conditioning routine at least a couple times before you sit in the colourist’s chair. At the very least, get one a week before the scheduled change.

Then during that one week grab some magazines. Check out what’s hot and what’s oh-so-not. Then narrow it down to what looks good, and more importantly what look good on you. If you aren’t sure (honestly even if you think you are) enlist the help of your stylist in order to best stay true to what flatters your complexion. Nothing is worse than seeing bleached blonde hair on skin that wasn’t born to be that way.

Brassy Hair. Wow. I am telling you I am tired, tired, tired, of beautiful ladies shocking me with a head of frizzed out metallic orange hair that does nothing to uphold their status. *Diva who?* Just makes me want to rip off that rug and attack it with a bottle of dark brown dye, kite paper, koolaid, shoe polish… something. Argh!

But, as usual, I digress…

So we have chosen the look. But since I hit my crystal ball with a sledge hammer after that last incident involving a lotto ticket and a can of peanut butter, I don’t have the use of it anymore and so I am going to bombard you with a wide variety of choices.

The highs and lows of hi-lights

Committment, Baby.

Hi-lights lighten the hair and makes it appear brighter, while a lowlight darkens and deepens it. Incorporating both in various hues of the same family gives tremendous depth, and dimension to an otherwise okay hair style. Blonde, gold and chamomile tones can be  used for highlighting and reds, plums and aubergine shades for lowlighting.

Usually, two or three colours are used for a multifaceted, shimmering effect – any more than that and the hues can lose their contrast and look a bit muddled.

Whatever your natural colour, you shouldn’t go more than three or four shades lighter or darker, as the results can be too harsh for your natural skin tone.

No committment, Baby.

You can incorporate multifaceted colour in this way by clipping in extensions, or of course by weaving or gluing them in depending on how ‘permanent’ you want them.  Yip. So if the urge takes you, why not add a bit of colour with out the commitment?

Fluffy Muffy

We’ve all gotten fed up of shaving and dealing with those tiny rogue hairs that pop out embarrassingly from the bathing suits, to wave politely at the object of your affection not to mention ingrown hairs – OUCH! Not cool at all!

My guy must have heard me complaining about it and the poor soul went and did some research, and the best he came up with was a Brazilian wax. NOW… in hindsight I have come to believe that he had ulterior motives, but rest assured he was dealt with with the quickness because I am telling you that was:

the WORST ever thing that I have EVER experienced in my LIFE, bar NONE.

Rinse and Repeat.

… and I’ve been through labour.

The pain was excruciating. I mean my mind literally packed its bags and went on a vacation; A ‘wtf’ moment times infinity.

But when the grinning lady was finished, I looked and felt smooth as baby. In fact the last time I looked that smooth after any hair removal was never. And then I took it to the beach and it was bess. No surprises.

So the end result was great, but the journey was a war of the worlds. It was after some thought that I realised that if I had done some research on my own I may have avoided such pain and agony so I decided to do the research anyway and here is what I came up with.

HAIR REMOVAL METHODS

There are about 7 kinds of hair removal methods available to the general public, (i.e not including laser hair removal, which is targeted largely to a certain skin/ hair colour combo so this is another topic for another day). 

They are:

- shaving
- friction
- depilatory creams
- waxing/sugaring
- threading
- plucking and
- electrolysis.

Some are very temporary and some are permanent(ish). Some are (relatively) pain free and one or two can hurt like a mofo. The results? Relative. It depends on what you are looking for.

1. the shaving method
Pain rating: 0 out of 10 

This is the method of using razors to cut the hair off as close as possible to the skin so that the result is smooth to the touch. 

If you don’t do it right you can get cut from the razor not being sharp enough, and of course it depends on how long it takes for your hair to grow back – some people can go as much as 7 days with out repeating the procedure but then you get those who literally have to shave everyday.

There is also the razor bump problem aptly named for those little pus filled bumps that appear literally minutes after you shave and is most certainly cause from the razor not being clean enough or new enough, but mostly this occurs when shaving occurs against the hair growth and not with it, especially when your hair is curly.

Either way it’s definitely an irritant as these babies can get very infected and cause ingrown hairs which in itself can be very painful.

2. the friction method
 Pain rating: 0 out of 10

The friction method employs a rough surface to remove fine hairs on the arms and legs. It is usually fine strips or a fine grit coated onto a mitt and then it is applied to the skin in circular motions which gently buffs away the hair.

It works best on fine hairs on legs and arms but should not be used on the face or bikini area. Course hair applicants need not apply; If too much pressure is used then skin irritations may occur. Effects last roughly about the same time as shaving.

3. the depilatory method
Pain rating : 0 out of 10 

Usually a cream or a powder mixed into a paste, and then applied to the areas of hair, and then removed by wiping away.

The hair is dissolved at the skins surface and the cream can cause irritation to eyes and skin, as well cause cuts if it is not used properly. Effects last roughly about the same as shaving and friction.

The drawback? Depending on the brand the smell is an unmistakeable “depilatory hair removal” smell. The product itself can also irritate some skins. 

4. the waxing method
 Pain rating: 9.5 out of 10

This method included warm wax (again this is relative to an individuals pain threshold) applied to the area or hair to be removed, and then a strip of cotton is applied. The cotton is then removed with swift movements of the hand, removing the hair in the opposite direction of the growth of the hair.

It is generally used in the bikini areas and recently this method has become popular for the removal of all hair found in the… umm… further pubic regions in both men and women, as it has become increasingly popular for these regions to be clear of hair. Clean, clean, clean. Whistle clean. This method if used over several years can reduce hair growth and in some cases hair growth can cease altogether.

(Incidentally the sugaring method is the same as waxing but with one slight difference – a sugary liquid is used instead of the wax.)

The disadvantages of this can be hair broken off beneath the skin, and it is difficult to master as the hair must be waxed in the opposite direction of hair growth and the hair down there can grow in several directions at once.

5. the threading method
 Pain rating: 6 out of 10

Threading a less common method for removing hair at the root, used primarily on facial hair. In this method, rows of stray hairs are yanked out with twists of cotton thread. It can also be used to move the hairline from off the forehead of women whose hair grows too close to the eyebrows.

The practitioner holds one end of the cotton thread in his or her teeth and the other in the left hand. The middle is looped through the index and middle fingers of the right hand. The practitioner then uses the loop to trap a series of unwanted hairs and pull them from the skin. There are also devices made that can hold the thread during the procedure.

6. the tweezing method
Pain rating: 4 out of 10.

We all know this one. I mean who hasn’t been held down by a mother or errant best friend and had our brows tweezed till we cry blood?

One must have a tweezer, which is basically two metal pieces shaped into a point that grasps individual hairs and pulls them out. Its great for individual hairs on the face, shaping eyebrows and those long black hairs that pop up under the chin… Not that I know anything about those, but umm… so I’ve read.

7. the electrolysis method

I deliberately left out electrolysis because I wanted to do more research on it seeing it is a “permanent” method of hair removal and before writing a piece on it I wanted the research to be as thorough as possible so that none of you will fall prey to the horror that had me praying for delivery.

forward ever…

Photo Credits: Carlos Porto / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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