Author Archive
Stupid Happens
The tabloids are dominated by stories of those naughty male celebrities.
Tiger.
Rooney.
Both cheated on their wives.
Some men cheat with other women friends, others with prostitutes. The age old case of men not knowing how to keep it in their pants. If I were to ask you to identify a relationship crime where the man is the victim, what would you say? Cheating?
I would say pregnancy.
There are so many unplanned pregnancies; mine was one of them. Luckily, I was already married, so didn’t have to depend on hubby to “do the right thing“. He did that ten years ago because he loved me – not because he had to.
My question is: why do women in this day and age continue to put themselves in such a precarious situation? It is plain carelessness!
What’s that you said?
“Accidents happen.”
BS.
What?
“Condoms break.”
“Pills don’t work.”
Are you for real?
When you really think about the responsibility of bringing a child into this earth and all that goes with that, can we as women really afford to continue to let “accidents happen”?
Before I go pointing fingers, let me first look in the mirror.
Thing is, having done well by my uterus and given birth, I can safely say that the second line appeared on that dreaded stick because I let my guard down – you know, the guard of my womb. Officer Condom and his side kick, Officer “What day is it in my cycle?”
Can’t blame anyone else but myself. Now, yes I love my my son, yes, I was already married and yes, Iexisted within the perfect environment for a baby. This we know. However, I do sometimes think:
“What if hubby and I weren’t married?”
Would he have married me if I got pregnant? And would he have just married me because I was pregnant? It would have been forced not as natural and beautiful as it was almost ten years ago, when he stood at the altar waiting for me. And yes I was in a dress.
I sometimes ask myself why women put themselves in such stupid situations. There are a number of reasons. The first one that comes to mind is no regard for the future, in all the ways you can imagine that word.
So you get pregnant. Options?
- Have the baby.
Keep it or give it up for adoption. - Have an abortion.
With option 1 you get to deal with all of the changes your body goes through to have the baby.
Getting fat.
Loss of bladder control.
Hormones.
Mood swings.
Flatulence. All of this before your water breaks.
Then there is the actual having the baby. The intense pain. Feeling like you are going to give birth to Saturn. Having someone you don’t know wipe your ass. (I said that like having someone you know wipe your ass is better! Mimi!) The tearing. The stitches. I think I’ve made my point.
Or, you can go choose to deal with the fallout of option 2.
If you have an abortion, there is the risk that you damage your womb and threaten your chances of having children in the future.
As women, we go on and on about being equal, or sometimes superior, and yet we can’t seem to control the very thing that makes us an object of desire and the subsequent consequences. Our poom poom!
As we would say in Trinidad:
“doh lie dong on yuh back if yuh eh ready for de pong.”
And as a woman, why would you want a man to marry you because you are pregnant? I think that is insulting. Degrading even. I don’t want a man to marry me because it is the right to do by my blossoming uterus. Or because my father would kill him. I want him to marry me because he wants to marry me. The key word there being ME.
And don’t tell me women get pregnant by accident! The word “accident” is so misleading. Statements like “it was an accident” are so trivial. So you got knocked up by accident? An accident that has repercussions in the form of another human being?
The dictionary defines accident as “an unfortunate mishap; especially one causing damage or injury”. Other definitions allude to an accident being something that is unexpected. Unexpected. All women should know you that if you choose to get laid without protection, you should expect that you can/ will get pregnant.
Nothing unexpected about that!
What? You didn’t expect it to happen to you? So… when the sperm swims up your vaginal canal into your uterus and sees the egg…she should shout “Halt! Nothing happening here today!”
Doesn’t work like that ladies! Sorry.
Ladies, we need to take more responsibility for our wombs. It belongs to no one else but us. Not our men, whether they be our husband or a random guy you banged last weekend. You wouldn’t expect a random man to clean your house or pay your bills. So why ask men to take responsibility for something that belongs to you?
Solutions?
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Become aware of your body, your cycle, and know the fertile days from the non-fertile days. Use two types of contraception. – The pill and condoms.
I can’t stress this enough. I am so tired of hearing about women getting pregnant by accident. And I have many friends who this has happened to. It just bothers me that women claim to be this, and that, and yet so many of us can’t keep it in our pants. We have Masters degrees and earn higher salaries than men. We’re independent, we want equality, and yet we still end up bare foot and pregnant.
And for what? A night of passion? An orgasm or two? A warm, hot body next to us? Maybe. If every woman started watching a video of a squatting birth before having sex, maybe there would be less unplanned pregnancies. Granted there may be less sex, but you get my point.
To the girls who got pregnant and are convincing themselves that they don’t want to get married. Who are you tying to fool? That is woman speak for, “He doesn’t want to marry me, so I might as well act as if I didn’t want to get married anyway.”
So have sex. Lots of it. I’m getting mine, so who am I to tell anyone not to get theirs. But, use caution. Another life depends on it.
Mimi out.
Your Virtual Best Friend
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Online dating gained its popularity in the early to mid nineties and has grown into a multi-billion dollar business. Most of us feel that it is for people who are desperate, or lacking the self-confidence to go out and find a date, love or just sex. After asking a few friends, the overall consensus was that they prefer blind dates recommended by friends or even speed dating – which allows you to short “dates” with a number of candidates, with a view to choosing those that you would like to date.
For me, I think online dating would be a must for me if I were single. Why? Well it’s like Google for your love life. The search capabilities allow you to get quite granular in your search criteria – which means that you can pretty much fine-tune your searches until you find what you are looking for. Which brings me to the first dilemma.
“How do we know what people say on there is true?”
Granted. But then again, how do we know when we meet someone what they are telling us to our face is true?
With online dating, I believe the only risk comes when someone lies about the validity of their profile picture, their career, etc., to attract more attention. However, we cannot prove his/her honesty any more than we can prove the honesty levels of the person who has just bought us a drink at the bar. Online or in person, a first date always has the looming question – is he/she a psycho?
Step 1. Define your objective.
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You decide to jump in and give it a try. First, what is your objective here?
- Sex?
- Friend with benefits?
- Date for your sister’s wedding?
- Soulmate?
Once you have answered this question – you can then create a list of what you require this person to be and, more importantly, not to be. Once this is done, it’s time to search.
Already, you would have cut out so much wasted time dating people who will not make the cut – those who are too short, too fat, not smart enough, isn’t an only child – whatever are your “deal breakers”.
It’s like shopping online for shoes. You know you want a black, mid-heel, size 6 pump, and you don’t want to spend more than $100. Communicate that to the search mechanism on your shoe-shopping site – et voila! All the shoes matching your criteria appear for you to review. Then, you either buy it online or go in store for an afternoon of trying on your finalists.
Same for online dating.
I am too old, and too busy to just go out and hope to meet someone decent. The stale chat up lines, finding out that the person cannot even meet your basic criteria, or if he or worse yet she drinks too much.
Step 2. Try Social Networking.
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Who ARE you?
The beauty of social networking is that it allows us to take online dating to the next level. When you find your list of finalists on your dating site, you can then search these individuals on Facebook and even LinkedIn (the business version of Facebook). This will allow you to test the person’s honesty as well as see them in a more comfortable environment. Their Facebook profile will be much more geared to their friends and family, so honesty should prevail. Also, you can see if you have any friends in common and then be able to do some background research.
I know what you’re thinking – all of that hard work.
But think of all the hard work that goes down the drain by the third date if you get it all wrong anyway. Three outfits. Body grooming – and don’t laugh, it is important. Choosing three different locations to meet. Asking those initial questions:
- So what do you do for work?
- For play?
- How many siblings?
- Where have you travelled?
All of these questions are answered on the person’s profile. So really, you skip the crap of date one and even date two, and really get down to business.
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I are a college student.
Another thing that online dating allows you to weigh someone’s basic intelligence.
- Can s/he write a proper sentence? You’d be surprised. You can measure how creative someone is by how s/he describes him/herself.
- Does s/he have a sense of humor?
- What books is s/he is reading?
- Any sports?
- Music or film preferences.
You can build a quite detailed character sketch if you really delve into what these things mean.
To take it even further, you can research these things and come up with questions to use on the first date, in order to decide whether the person is being honest – especially if it is a topic that you know about.
Again, I know what you’re thinking – more work.
Think of going on holiday. You and a few of your friends want to spend a week away together to have some fun. What’s the first thing you do? Try to find a place you all agree on. This will depend on price, weather, flight time, language spoken and many more factors. Then you and your friends start doing the necessary research to come up with a short list and then choose your final destination. Sounds like work to me, and this is just for one week! Why then wouldn’t you put in the hours to find someone that you could possibly spend forever with?
Step 3. The Lies
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Now there is the flip side – Some people have a tendency lie on their profiles. Why? Because they think if they say this or that, they will attract a girl or guy that fits a certain criteria. So if the profile (truth or lies) appeals to you – rather than question the validity of the information, know that this person wants someone like you. That’s a good place to start.
Of course we don’t want you to go out with Mr or Mrs Serial Killer, but don’t let the white lies put you off. After 10 years of marriage paradise, I still drop the white lies.
Him: “Babe, you got me the shaving cream?”
Me: “No babe. The store didn’t have the one you wanted”.
Did I go to the store? Of course not.
Am I going to admit that? Of course not.
If the roles were reversed, would hubby? Of course not.
Done.
What about when you go to job interviews? Don’t we all tell white lies there?
Them: “So… Ms. Eng Leang, would you say you are hard to manage?”
Me: “No of course not! I just get on with it.”
All my former managers would be cracking up, because I am hard to manage, but I am not going to admit to that, am I?
‘Dating-site’. Synonym for Desperation?
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The main reason that people shy away from dating websites is the desperation associated with it, and the threat of meeting someone who is full of lies.
Desperation? I see some women going out in skirts that look like tied a handkerchief around their waste, or tops that leave nothing for the imagination. Now that is desperation!
Or what about men who do push ups before they go out to pump their pecs up? Or borrow a friend’s car because it is nicer than theirs. Or say that they get along with their mother because they feel that is what all women want to hear.
Desperation – a word of many forms. The desperation to not be judged; The desperation to get the right kind of attention from the right kind of person. If you feel the need to do these things – then you are desperate to try things to get attention. Sure, the argument is that you are a grown woman and you can dress however you want. That is true, very true, but why do it?
Because you want to show off your assets. So you put on a padded bra and five inch heels. Already you are exaggerating your height and your breast size. Your make up bag is filled with brightening serums, bronzers, concealers – again hiding the true way you look.
What about women who get breast implants? Why? Because you want bigger boobs. Why? Breast size doesn’t affect the success rate of breast feeding, so it can’t be that. It is because you want to look more attractive – for yourself, and to the opposite sex – or same sex if that floats your boat.
Can’t all of these things been seen as white lies, those ‘little things’ that we do to alter our appearance in order that we appear more attractive
Now I am not saying to grow the hair under our armpits and go out dressed in a brown paper bag, but what I am getting at is for us to be more lenient with online dating, and the exaggerations some people use on their profile.
Marketing 101
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We are selling ourselves when we are single. It’s an advertising campaign. And the same way a creative agency will prepare a campaign to ensure market penetration is the same way you should prepare your “dating campaign” to ensure, well, penetration. A big part of any campaign is defining your demographic and online dating can help you achieve this.
At the very least, you will be able to say that you tried something different and made a friend or two. What have you got to lose?
I am sure many of you reading this have had unprotected sex at least once in your life and THAT was a much bigger risk that trying an online dating site.
Mimi out.
And then there were four
Never wanted children. Been saying that for as long as I can remember. Don’t like needles and certainly don’t like the thought of them in my vagina! I thought my Labrador Retriever would be enough for me to exercise my maternal instinct, but God has a great sense of humour. So after seven years of marriage bliss, the second line appeared – that dreaded line that tells you that either have to be a murderer, or watch your own life die. Yip, I was pregnant.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my son. He looks like me and is the fruit of a fourteen-year solid relationship. Sounds like what every woman wants right?
Let’s just say… everything changed. I have to share the two things I adore the most, my husband and my daily ten-hour session with my duvet.
Let’s start with the sleep. I don’t get any.
Now let’s move on to the hubby. We met when I was 18, back in 1996 (that makes me 33 now). it was love at first sight, and we’ve been solid. Never had a “break” like Ross and Rachel, solid fourteen years of us. From the minute I found out I was pregnant, it became about the baby.
“Have you eaten?”
“Take it easy babe.”
“Let me get that for you.”
Now don’t get me wrong, he has always been considerate and kind, but, now that I was carrying the heir to his throne, these things increased dramatically, making me ask myself, so why couldn’t I get this love on steroids?!?!
He was there every step of the way, with a front row seat for the finale, which wasn’t that bad to be fair. Ok I got 17 stitches in my delicate flower but still, that can’t compare to taking him home.
The constant crying.
Wanting something.
Breast-feeding.
Being fat or more accurately feeling like a deflated balloon with a third of the air still in it, waddling around with my stitches and baby in tow.
Wasn’t in the mood for the constant “he’s adorable!” or “you’re so lucky!” didn’t feel that way. I wonder how many women feel the same way that I felt.
Are their smiles real or fake?
Do they like it? Being a Mother?
Sharing… EVERYTHING!!!!
I don’t like it and I was very vocal about it. I screamed, cried, dished out the silent treatment… you name it.
What worried me is that this is ME, in a relationship for fourteen years out of which married for ten. We epitomize love and happiness, so why was this so hard? How are other couples coping? Are they faking it?
I remember when I had my six-week appointment with the Doc after giving birth, I assertively asked her “Can we have sex now?” She was shocked, admitting that I was the first new mother that had asked that question so soon. So what, people stop having sex after kids?
Are you kidding me?
I have a very active sex life and that was certainly not going to change. So are there couples out there, running around with three kids, whose last rump shaker session was the last time they conceived? Madness!
That’s what makes me worry about people who jump into the deep end after a few years of going out. Are two or three years enough to tie oneself to another, only then to then have a child together? Your relationship/marriage has to be pretty strong.
Mine certainly is, but, never mind that, it still felt like hell sometimes. The spontaneity is just more challenging than it used to be. Before we would just jump on a plane for a weekend and go here or there, or visit new parts of the city that we haven’t seen before. Go out, hands swinging for the day, food and everything else we could get on the way.
Now? It’s like planning a diplomatic visit. The boy has to be covered for every possible situation. Change of clothes. Bottles. Food. Toys. Buggy. Rain cover. Eczema cream. Emergency toy in case there is tantrum and the other toys don’t work. Baby wipes. Diapers. Calpol. The list goes on. So guess what? We don’t go out as often as we used to.
I know what you’re probably saying… that I should be happy. That women all over the world wish they had my life. A husband who adores me. A gorgeous healthy son. I am grateful, don’t get me wrong but to say that I am happy? Not every second. Dude, this motherhood shit is hard. Especially for the first year, when you get nothing back. Now that the boy is approaching two, and his levels of interaction are increasing, I can say it is becoming fun but before now? Not fun.
Now my question is, are there mothers out there who are reading this and thinking *OMG! I feel the same way!*?
I wonder if they have told anyone. I say it all the time to anyone who would listen! Anytime there is a need for something in the house, errand-wise, I am the first volunteer – “I’ll go get it!” Actually, it has become a running joke in my house. Anything involving a task that takes me away from the boy-related chores, I am the first volunteer – guaranteed.
So how do we keep the love strong? Well after months of me screaming “I hate being a mother” (which I now conveniently blame on the hormones) things have settled down, and we are stronger than ever.
How did we do it? Easy.
We just keep a bit of US in our new life of routines. We try to have sex at least once a day. I know!!! Isn’t it amazing? Reason being, it is the rawest way that we can express our love for each other. It reminds us of how much we love each other and the bond that we share. Also, the endorphins released keep me happy for a day or so. When I get home from work, I say hello to the boy, give him a hug and then hubby and I have an hour or so of QT to exchange a recap of our day. We eat dinner together and try to watch at least one item of television together.
We email each other a lot more now. Before the boy, we would just pick up the phone, but, now with hubby being a stay-at-home Dad, he can’t always pick up the phone when he wants. With my job involving constantly being on a phone, a train, or a plane, sometimes email is the best way. It might sound clinical, but I love it. Now I get “I love you” all during the day, and little notes. It’s great!
We also have more patience and by “we” I really mean “him”, As having a child tests your patience anyways, I have found that I am much more patient about some things than I used to be. So if hubby is in a mood, rather than think it is because of something that I did (or usually didn’t do), I just think it is probably because he is tired or hasn’t eaten yet. Hubby is the same. He knows if I am a little snappy, it is because I am tired or just a bit fed up of it all – all fleeting feelings. So having the boy has taught us to let go of things more because let’s face it, we don’t even have time to fight!
But when we do fight, it’s brutal, and we like it that way. With all that is going on, the need to vent/release is greater than ever, and we understand that. So we have invented the
“One of us has to shut up”
rule.
The secondary rule is that we NEVER mean what we say. This allows us to vent, have a shout, say mean things and then take a deep breath, maybe a good cry, and then some sex. It works like a charm.
I hear so many people say sex isn’t as important as communication, respect, and all of that BS. Please! I challenge anyone who is in their mid thirties, and been married for ten years (have fun finding them) to tell me otherwise.
Sex with the hubby has been mind blowing from day one and it is only getting better. Sometimes we ask ourselves “How?”
It is because we know how important it is that we NEVER go through the motions – we make it worth it. That combined with the fact that sexual intercourse is a natural release of endorphins that make one happy. I mean seriously, who doesn’t like having an orgasm?
I could go on forever but I will say this, holding on to things that made you a couple in the first place is key. Sex of course, but the other things too.
Watching movies.
Listening to music.
Playing board games.
Cooking together.
Whatever is your thing, because it is going to be hard for a long time.
But for now, Saturday morning in bed with my boys? I am getting to like it – A LOT.
MiMilicious | New Sass on the Block
MiMilicious
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Introducing the newest member of Team GC, MiMilicious, who will be sharing her views on marriage, motherhood, sex, friendship and succeeding in life as a citizen of the world.
Armed with the gift of the gab, MiMilicious can talk and manipulate herself into and out of anything, including writing for GC.
Born in south Trinidad, she has an academic background in Literature and Marketing, and began her career at the Express Newspaper back in 1996, when she wrote her first column in the youth magazine, Vox. MiMilicious has since fled her twin island republic of sweet Trinidad & Tobago, for the United Kingdom, as a writer/ marketeer in search of her dreams, with husband and Labrador Retriever in tow. Since then. she has dabbled further into journalism (press and radio), copywriting, marketing, advertising and more.
In the UK, she has worked in the telecommunications industry for over six years, hosting conferences in regions such as Africa, Middle East, Asia-Pacific and Europe. To date, her Rolodex includes some of the biggest CEOs in Telecoms such as Orange, Etisalat, Vodafone, Orga Systems, Huawei among others. Her dynamic personality, for which she is perhaps best known for, has allowed her to build and maintain relationships at the C-Level with over 1,000 organizations ranging from Fortune 500 companies like Apple and Cisco to start ups. Over the last seven years she has generated over £2.1 million in revenue for companies like Terrapinn, Informa and Clarion Conferences.
A citizen of the world, MiMilicious maintains her trademark of [brutal] honesty, which sometimes gets her into way too much trouble. With all that she has going on, it’s difficult to imagine that she has anytime left for anything but a career, however in her spare time she appears to be just as normal as the rest of us – she dabbles in photography, is a closet DJ, and is of course obsessed with shoes and handbags. She’s on the cusp of celebrating her tenth anniversary with her loving husband and a two-year-old son, and will share her views on marriage, motherhood, sex, friendship and things that sometimes require a twist of the arm to get through.
A big GC welcome!
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