Your Virtual Best Friend

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Online dating gained its popularity in the early to mid nineties and has grown into a multi-billion dollar business. Most of us feel that it is for people who are desperate, or lacking the self-confidence to go out and find a date, love or just sex. After asking a few friends, the overall consensus was that they prefer blind dates recommended by friends or even speed dating – which allows you to short “dates” with a number of candidates, with a view to choosing those that you would like to date.

For me, I think online dating would be a must for me if I were single. Why? Well it’s like Google for your love life. The search capabilities allow you to get quite granular in your search criteria – which means that you can pretty much fine-tune your searches until you find what you are looking for. Which brings me to the first dilemma.

“How do we know what people say on there is true?”

Granted. But then again, how do we know when we meet someone what they are telling us to our face is true?

With online dating, I believe the only risk comes when someone lies about the validity of their profile picture, their career, etc., to attract more attention. However, we cannot prove his/her honesty any more than we can prove the honesty levels of the person who has just bought us a drink at the bar. Online or in person, a first date always has the looming question – is he/she a psycho?

Step 1. Define your objective.

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You decide to jump in and give it a try.  First, what is your objective here?

• Sex?
• Friend with benefits?
• Date for your sister’s wedding?
• Soulmate?

Once you have answered this question – you can then create a list of what you require this person to be and, more importantly, not to be. Once this is done, it’s time to search.

Already, you would have cut out so much wasted time dating people who will not make the cut – those who are too short, too fat, not smart enough, isn’t an only child – whatever are your “deal breakers”.

It’s like shopping online for shoes. You know you want a black, mid-heel, size 6 pump, and you don’t want to spend more than $100. Communicate that to the search mechanism on your shoe-shopping site – et voila! All the shoes matching your criteria appear for you to review. Then, you either buy it online or go in store for an afternoon of trying on your finalists.

Same for online dating.

I am too old, and too busy to just go out and hope to meet someone decent. The stale chat up lines, finding out that the person cannot even meet your basic criteria, or if he or worse yet she drinks too much.

Step 2. Try Social Networking.

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Who ARE you?

The beauty of social networking is that it allows us to take online dating to the next level. When you find your list of finalists on your dating site, you can then search these individuals on Facebook and even LinkedIn (the business version of Facebook). This will allow you to test the person’s honesty as well as see them in a more comfortable environment.  Their Facebook profile will be much more geared to their friends and family, so honesty should prevail. Also, you can see if you have any friends in common and then be able to do some background research.

I know what you’re thinking – all of that hard work.

But think of all the hard work that goes down the drain by the third date if you get it all wrong anyway. Three outfits. Body grooming – and don’t laugh, it is important. Choosing three different locations to meet. Asking those initial questions:

• So what do you do for work?
• For play?
• How many siblings?
• Where have you travelled?

All of these questions are answered on the person’s profile. So really, you skip the crap of date one and even date two, and really get down to business.

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I are a college student.

Another thing that online dating allows you to weigh someone’s basic intelligence.

• Can s/he write a proper sentence? You’d be surprised. You can measure how creative someone is by how s/he describes him/herself.
• Does s/he have a sense of humor?
• What books is  s/he is reading?
• Any sports?
• Music or film preferences.

You can build a quite detailed character sketch if you really delve into what these things mean.

To take it even further, you can research these things and come up with questions to use on the first date, in order to decide whether the person is being honest – especially if it is a topic that you know about.

Again, I know what you’re thinking – more work.

Think of going on holiday. You and a few of your friends want to spend a week away together to have some fun. What’s the first thing you do? Try to find a place you all agree on. This will depend on price, weather, flight time, language spoken and many more factors. Then you and your friends start doing the necessary research to come up with a short list and then choose your final destination. Sounds like work to me, and this is just for one week! Why then wouldn’t you put in the hours to find someone that you could possibly spend forever with?

Step 3. The Lies

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Now there is the flip side – Some people have a tendency lie on their profiles. Why? Because they think if they say this or that, they will attract a girl or guy that fits a certain criteria. So if the profile (truth or lies) appeals to you – rather than question the validity of the information, know that this person wants someone like you. That’s a good place to start.

Of course we don’t want you to go out with Mr or Mrs Serial Killer, but don’t let the white lies put you off. After 10 years of marriage paradise, I still drop the white lies.

Him: “Babe, you got me the shaving cream?”

Me: “No babe. The store didn’t have the one you wanted”.

Did I go to the store? Of course not.

Am I going to admit that? Of course not.

If the roles were reversed, would hubby? Of course not.

Done.

What about when you go to job interviews? Don’t we all tell white lies there?

Them: “So… Ms. Eng Leang, would you say you are hard to manage?”

Me: “No of course not! I just get on with it.”

All my former managers would be cracking up, because I am hard to manage, but I am not going to admit to that, am I?

‘Dating-site’. Synonym for Desperation?

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The main reason that people shy away from dating websites is the desperation associated with it, and the threat of meeting someone who is full of lies.

Desperation? I see some women going out in skirts that look like tied a handkerchief around their waste, or tops that leave nothing for the imagination. Now that is desperation!

Or what about men who do push ups before they go out to pump their pecs up? Or borrow a friend’s car because it is nicer than theirs. Or say that they get along with their mother because they feel that is what all women want to hear.

Desperation – a word of many forms. The desperation to not be judged;  The desperation to get the right kind of attention from the right kind of person. If you feel the need to do these things – then you are desperate to try things to get attention. Sure, the argument is that you are a grown woman and you can dress however you want. That is true, very true, but why do it?

Because you want to show off your assets. So you put on a padded bra and five inch heels. Already you are exaggerating your height and your breast size. Your make up bag is filled with brightening serums, bronzers, concealers – again hiding the true way you look.

What about women who get breast implants? Why? Because you want bigger boobs. Why? Breast size doesn’t affect the success rate of breast feeding, so it can’t be that.  It is because you want to look more attractive – for yourself, and to the opposite sex – or same sex if that floats your boat.

Can’t all of these things been seen as white lies, those ‘little things’ that we do to alter our appearance in order that we appear more attractive

Now I am not saying to grow the hair under our armpits and go out dressed in a brown paper bag, but what I am getting at is for us to be more lenient with online dating, and the exaggerations some people use on their profile.

Marketing 101

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We are selling ourselves when we are single. It’s an advertising campaign. And the same way a creative agency will prepare a campaign to ensure market penetration is the same way you should prepare your “dating campaign” to ensure, well, penetration. A big part of any campaign is defining your demographic and online dating can help you achieve this.

At the very least, you will be able to say that you tried something different and made a friend or two. What have you got to lose?

I am sure many of you reading this have had unprotected sex at least once in your life and THAT was a much bigger risk that trying an online dating site.

Mimi out.

Photo: Filomena Scalise / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

And then there were four

Never wanted children. Been saying that for as long as I can remember. Don’t like needles and certainly don’t like the thought of them in my vagina! I thought my Labrador Retriever would be enough for me to exercise my maternal instinct, but God has a great sense of humour. So after seven years of marriage bliss, the second line appeared – that dreaded line that tells you that either have to be a murderer, or watch your own life die. Yip, I was pregnant.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my son. He looks like me and is the fruit of a fourteen-year solid relationship. Sounds like what every woman wants right?

Let’s just say… everything changed. I have to share the two things I adore the most, my husband and my daily ten-hour session with my duvet.

Let’s start with the sleep. I don’t get any.

Now let’s move on to the hubby. We met when I was 18, back in 1996 (that makes me 33 now). it was love at first sight, and we’ve been solid. Never had a “break” like Ross and Rachel, solid fourteen years of us. From the minute I found out I was pregnant, it became about the baby.

“Have you eaten?”

“Take it easy babe.”

“Let me get that for you.”

Now don’t get me wrong, he has always been considerate and kind, but, now that I was carrying the heir to his throne, these things increased dramatically, making me ask myself, so why couldn’t I get this love on steroids?!?!

He was there every step of the way, with a front row seat for the finale, which wasn’t that bad to be fair. Ok I got 17 stitches in my delicate flower but still, that can’t compare to taking him home.

The constant crying.

Wanting something.

Breast-feeding.

Being fat or more accurately feeling like a deflated balloon with a third of the air still in it, waddling around with my stitches and baby in tow.

Wasn’t in the mood for the constant “he’s adorable!” or “you’re so lucky!” didn’t feel that way. I wonder how many women feel the same way that I felt.

Are their smiles real or fake?

Do they like it? Being a Mother?

Sharing… EVERYTHING!!!!

I don’t like it and I was very vocal about it. I screamed, cried, dished out the silent treatment… you name it.

What worried me is that this is ME, in a relationship for fourteen years out of which married for ten. We epitomize love and happiness, so why was this so hard? How are other couples coping? Are they faking it?

I remember when I had my six-week appointment with the Doc after giving birth, I assertively asked her “Can we have sex now?” She was shocked, admitting that I was the first new mother that had asked that question so soon. So what, people stop having sex after kids?

Are you kidding me?

I have a very active sex life and that was certainly not going to change. So are there couples out there, running around with three kids, whose last rump shaker session was the last time they conceived? Madness!

That’s what makes me worry about people who jump into the deep end after a few years of going out. Are two or three years enough to tie oneself to another, only then to then have a child together? Your relationship/marriage has to be pretty strong.

Mine certainly is, but, never mind that, it still felt like hell sometimes. The spontaneity is just more challenging than it used to be. Before we would just jump on a plane for a weekend and go here or there, or visit new parts of the city that we haven’t seen before. Go out, hands swinging for the day, food and everything else we could get on the way.

Now? It’s like planning a diplomatic visit. The boy has to be covered for every possible situation. Change of clothes. Bottles. Food. Toys. Buggy. Rain cover. Eczema cream. Emergency toy in case there is tantrum and the other toys don’t work. Baby wipes. Diapers. Calpol. The list goes on. So guess what? We don’t go out as often as we used to.

I know what you’re probably saying… that I should be happy. That women all over the world wish they had my life. A husband who adores me. A gorgeous healthy son. I am grateful, don’t get me wrong but to say that I am happy? Not every second. Dude, this motherhood shit is hard. Especially for the first year, when you get nothing back. Now that the boy is approaching two, and his levels of interaction are increasing, I can say it is becoming fun but before now? Not fun.

Now my question is, are there mothers out there who are reading this and thinking *OMG! I feel the same way!*?

I wonder if they have told anyone. I say it all the time to anyone who would listen! Anytime there is a need for something in the house, errand-wise, I am the first volunteer – “I’ll go get it!” Actually, it has become a running joke in my house. Anything involving a task that takes me away from the boy-related chores, I am the first volunteer – guaranteed.

So how do we keep the love strong? Well after months of me screaming “I hate being a mother” (which I now conveniently blame on the hormones) things have settled down, and we are stronger than ever.

How did we do it? Easy.

We just keep a bit of US in our new life of routines. We try to have sex at least once a day. I know!!! Isn’t it amazing? Reason being, it is the rawest way that we can express our love for each other. It reminds us of how much we love each other and the bond that we share. Also, the endorphins released keep me happy for a day or so. When I get home from work, I say hello to the boy, give him a hug and then hubby and I have an hour or so of QT to exchange a recap of our day. We eat dinner together and try to watch at least one item of television together.

We email each other a lot more now. Before the boy, we would just pick up the phone, but, now with hubby being a stay-at-home Dad, he can’t always pick up the phone when he wants. With my job involving constantly being on a phone, a train, or a plane, sometimes email is the best way. It might sound clinical, but I love it. Now I get “I love you” all during the day, and little notes. It’s great!

We also have more patience and by “we” I really mean “him”, As having a child tests your patience anyways, I have found that I am much more patient about some things than I used to be. So if hubby is in a mood, rather than think it is because of something that I did (or usually didn’t do), I just think it is probably because he is tired or hasn’t eaten yet. Hubby is the same. He knows if I am a little snappy, it is because I am tired or just a bit fed up of it all – all fleeting feelings. So having the boy has taught us to let go of things more because let’s face it, we don’t even have time to fight!

But when we do fight, it’s brutal, and we like it that way. With all that is going on, the need to vent/release is greater than ever, and we understand that. So we have invented the

“One of us has to shut up”

rule.

The secondary rule is that we NEVER mean what we say. This allows us to vent, have a shout, say mean things and then take a deep breath, maybe a good cry, and then some sex. It works like a charm.

I hear so many people say sex isn’t as important as communication, respect, and all of that BS. Please! I challenge anyone who is in their mid thirties, and been married for ten years (have fun finding them) to tell me otherwise.

Sex with the hubby has been mind blowing from day one and it is only getting better. Sometimes we ask ourselves “How?”

It is because we know how important it is that we NEVER go through the motions – we make it worth it. That combined with the fact that sexual intercourse is a natural release of endorphins that make one happy. I mean seriously, who doesn’t like having an orgasm?

I could go on forever but I will say this, holding on to things that made you a couple in the first place is key. Sex of course, but the other things too.

Watching movies.

Listening to music.

Playing board games.

Cooking together.

Whatever is your thing, because it is going to be hard for a long time.

But for now, Saturday morning in bed with my boys? I am getting to like it – A LOT.

MiMilicious | New Sass on the Block

MiMilicious

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Introducing the newest member of Team GC, MiMilicious, who will be sharing her views on marriage, motherhood, sex, friendship and succeeding in life as a citizen of the world.

Armed with the gift of the gab, MiMilicious can talk and manipulate herself  into and out of anything, including writing for GC.

Born in south Trinidad, she has an academic background in Literature and Marketing, and began her career at the Express Newspaper back in 1996, when she wrote her first column in the youth magazine, Vox. MiMilicious has since fled her twin island republic of sweet Trinidad & Tobago, for the United Kingdom, as a writer/ marketeer in search of her dreams, with husband and Labrador Retriever in tow. Since then. she has dabbled further into journalism (press and radio), copywriting, marketing, advertising and more.

In the UK, she has worked in the telecommunications industry for over six years, hosting conferences in regions such as Africa, Middle East, Asia-Pacific and Europe. To date, her Rolodex includes some of the biggest CEOs in Telecoms such as Orange, Etisalat, Vodafone, Orga Systems, Huawei among others. Her dynamic personality, for which she is perhaps best known for, has allowed her to build and maintain relationships at the C-Level with over 1,000 organizations ranging from Fortune 500 companies like Apple and Cisco to start ups.  Over the last seven years she has generated over £2.1 million in revenue for companies like Terrapinn, Informa and Clarion Conferences.

A citizen of the world, MiMilicious maintains her trademark of [brutal] honesty, which sometimes gets her into way too much trouble. With all that she has going on, it’s difficult to imagine that she has anytime left for anything but a career, however in her spare time she appears to be just as normal as the rest of us – she dabbles in photography, is a closet DJ, and is of course obsessed with shoes and handbags. She’s on the cusp of celebrating her tenth anniversary with her loving husband and a two-year-old son, and will share her views on marriage, motherhood, sex, friendship and things that sometimes require a twist of the arm to get through.

A big GC welcome!

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Dying for fashion

I’ve just come out of hiding. You know this. But I keep seeing something that makes me want to run right back  into my secret hiding place, until it all goes away. What the hell is up with ‘skinny’ jeans, ON MEN?

I mean, I am something near to disgusted when I see this ungodly trend. I don’t know what it is like outside the wonderful cocoon that I like to call Trinidad, but I went to a band launching this year and I was appalled and worried at the same time to see all these ‘skin-tight’ jeans on men. Especially the young men. Never have I ever been so happy to be my own age (especially when I’m considered a MILF – a degrading, but somehow flattering term I will touch on at some point.)

I see these young men strutting around, and the pants are so tight,  TOO tight. My girlfriend had to point out  to me that some of these little boys (cause no Grown man would would wear these fashion DON’TS on purpose; they’d be aware of the risks) are actually wearing  women’s jeans, which just is just bordering on insane.

Some other trends that throw me for a loop are the:

1. Grilles.
   Gold/ silver/ diamond encrusted/ platinum teeth coverings
2. Excessively baggy pants.
   that are so large that they would not ever fit even with a belt
3. Underwear that is purposefully on display.
4. Tonnes of gold, silver and platinum jewelery around the neck
5. Earrings that are ridiculously large and/ or way too heavy for any earlobe to handle .
   Both the diamonds, real or fake, and the ones that stretch the earlobes to gargantuan proportions.
6. Full body tattoos with no meaning to the individual whatsoever other than, “I liked the design“

I can go on forever.

But the one that really worries me is the tight pants on fellas. I mean is this the end of the human race as we know it? Do they really know the consequences of these choices?

Even I know that there is a reason that the Almighty put the family jewels in a little sack AWAY from the body. It is because the normal body heat of the human being can hamper sperm production.

HMM…

I am actually a little happy about this since I have two younger brothers who have fallen prey to this fad:. It means that should they put Jesus out of their thoughts and do the nasty without protection, at least the little swimmers will be at a distinct disadvantage. For some men its reversible, but who wants to test that theory?

This trend is so worrisome to me that, as per usual, I just had to do a little more research to see what are the possible repercussions of squeezing and suffocating the man jewels. The list was shocking. Aside from the reduction in sperm production that I already knew, I read about hip displacement, strange bowel movements, nerve damage…

I mean we ladies wear the high heels, but that isn’t screwing around with our reproductive systems. This is serious people!

Then too, it doesn’t even look good. I am sorry but I don’t find it sexy to see tight-@ss jeans down to the ankles, drawers hanging out AND converse sneaks. YUCK!  Beenie man is an entertainer , who needs the attention and so can wear that nonsense and get away with it. It’s like Lady Gaga – you don’t see me wearing period coloured lingerie.

So the choice is yours fellas. Die for fashion or Live with sense. If you plan on having kids, you will be thankful that you chose the latter.

Forward Ever

I got the blues for you

Gucci ’Sigrid’ Sandals with Crystals| 2010

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Every Fall/Winter season a ‘new black’ emerges, which is funny when you think about it because black is always the ‘new black’, no exceptions.

Still, marketing is marketing and clothing must sell so we always pretend that something can actually replace black. Grey / gray is still considered to be a stretch for the all-black monogamists, and, just like all Fall fashion that has gone before, it’s big for the season. Surprise. Still, however exciting “Winter Grey” and “Winter White” is for some folks, there is nothing like a pop of a deep, jewel tone to add a welcomed contrast, and dare I say, a ray of proverbial sunshine to an otherwise dreary- blah scene. A fail-safe colour for the more daring among during the Fall season is always plum/ purple/ violet/ mauve.

However, if you really want to bust that envelope wide open, the colour of the moment is blue. Not just any blue – Cobalt blue.

The artist Van Gogh wrote:

“The cobalt blue is a divine color and there is nothing more beautiful to create an atmosphere“

I couldn’t agree more. It’s like winter’s “yellow”.

If you want to step out in daring style, done a Cobalt blue ensemble – frock, blouse, skirt, pantsuit – go bold!.

Makeup/ Accessories

If you aren’t so secure in your ability to wear full colour, opt then for accessories – cobalt blue scarf, ring, bangle(s), earrings and/or of course shoes, but please, don’t do both clothing and accessories – Too much of a good thing is good for nothing. You don’t want to look like a block of blue soap.

With such a strong statement that is a Cobalt blue ‘fit, strive to keep the details of everything else that you are donning simple.

- Simple but elegant makeup in neutral tones – you don’t need anything else competing with a colour as bold as this

- Easy-going, no fuss hair hair, and

- a confident “Yes, I was sober when I chose my kit, were you?” smile

is all that you need to pair wit this look. NO fuss and frills necessary. a la the actress, Kerry Washington, in a feminine and fancy Jason Wu, design.

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Kerry Washington | Jason Wu

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Proof that you don’t have to over do, or over expose to make a statement. I’ll refrain from any name calling.

If you couldn’t have told before, Cobalt blue is my bestest and favorite colour in the whole world. Fall/ Winter 2010 is mine. *snicker*

Freakin’Fabulous.

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Cavities, Fat and Wrinkles

We are all more than familiar with the addictive power of sugar. Despite the fact that increased sugar consumption has been associated with increased blood sugar levels, which can result in the storage of excess fat, studies have shown that the average American consumes about 150 pounds of sugar, per year. Talk about sweet nothings! (more…)

Fashion Misses | Floral Leggings

Welcome to Fashion wtf. Sure to be the first installment of many.

Exhibit A: Floral patterned leggings

Zzzzz. What a bore.

Mama say whaa? Honestly, they do look interestingly avant guard and ‘style’-ish (Get it? If not where were you when everyone else was dissecting hibiscus’ in bio. class?) on store mannequins, like a great avenue/ excuse to switch up your look. Only thing is that unless the look you are going for is tattooed legs, it’s an uncomfortably distracting look.

(more…)

Summerlicious Style | Wrap Up

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Tick, tock, tick, tock. Summer’s almost done y’alls.

How do I know? Cause I’m already seeing Fall ’10 fashion show knock offs flooding the show windows; You know it’s all over when even the  stores for the masses start carrying heavy knits. Summer sales galore – HOLLA! 40% off CLEARANCE items? Already? Seriously? The ‘good’ stuff in MY size? GTFOH.

Got me enough summer goodies to last a lifetime. Lord knows I have nowhere to wear all this stuff, man I just leave my house so that I can wear some of this ish, cause I have left just about a kit a day from now ’til September. Never mind that my friend Sims tells me that Caribana signals the end of summer as you know it in Toronto (TO); You know I’m about to drag out this ‘summer’ deal for as long as I can cause your girl is NOT a fan of winter. Just the thought is depressing.

ANYWHOS! Unto more pleasant discussion, “Summerlicious” started in TO today so ya girl is about to get in some ‘quality’, hifalutin grub at ‘reasonable’ prices. *burp* I feel festive already.

Seeing that there’s lots more fun to be had for this summer, I’ll wrap up with my final take on rocking summer fashion and accessories for 2010.

Fashion

This season’s fashion is widely artistic and unstructured. Bold animal and tribal prints are thrown together with wild (intended) abandon. Matchy-matchy is so yesterday; let the colour blind among us represent. A mish mash, mosh pit of patterns, colours, themes, and concepts is everything that summer 2010 is all about.

If the risk of looking like a kaleidoscopic hot mess is too stressful for you, fear not, there are other options. You can easily pair this season’s safari nudes – khakis, taupes, warm greens, you know ‘earthy’ tones, with white for a sophisticated look, or you can choose to go with the timely classic, nautically themed, crisp pairing of navy and white.

Easy breezy, or loose yet fitted fashion choices in light, breathable, fabrics such as cotton or linen blends are your best bet. Not only do you look fresh but you also feel it. Lets face it; it’s hot out there. Not warm guys, it’s broiling hot. Things sweat. Body parts need to breathe. Help out your side. Lightweight breathable fabrics assist you in maintaining a dry, so fresh and so clean, look.

Summer is the easiest season to break all the style rules without being pulled over by the fashion police. Still, the rules must be broken fashionably so. It must be a deliberate attempt at haute and not a hit-or-miss-and-hope-for-the-best sort of scenario. For example:

1. Visible bra straps only work if the ‘bra’ is either a swimsuit, or serves no purpose whatsoever other than decoration, i.e. the straps are paper-thin. If the bra serves any other purpose, including but not limited to the word ‘support’, then either change the bra or change the frock. It’s that simple. We weren’t all meant to wear spaghetti straps or tube dresses.

2. Short shorts work well with flats as well as thong or gladiator sandals, which are a definitely step up from rubber flip-flops for social events. Heels magically lengthen and give additional tone and definition to the gorgeous gams that emerge from shorts, however, not just any type of heel will do. Avoid certain heels, like strappy evening stiletto sandal types with short, shorts. I can’t quite put my finger on why… but this combo just doesn’t look quite right, especially for daytime affairs. However, wedges and espadrilles, although they may be the same height as the aforementioned evening kicks, up the sophistication ante and miraculously tone down the streetwalker translation.

3. Stripes work well, but only when worn over your least wide part. Proportion is key. So depending on your shape, this may mean a striped top, a striped, skirt, a striped dress, or a striped bangle. Choose the right option for you.

Accessories

This summer there is plenty to choose from, as the options run the gamut from boho chic to sophisticated sass.

Bangles

Choose either one statement piece or stack and pile up many different types. Though varying combinations of metallics, tan, or bold seem to work best, there is a lot of room to show your personality here.

Necklaces

One eye catching piece or many extra long ones work well against a crisp, easy breezy white canvas. Whatever your vibe is, there are a million ways to make it work for you.

Shoes

Gladiators, wedges, beach sandals, flats, or – my fave – kick-ass, sky-high, platform heels. Noice!

b Freakin’Fabulous

Photo: Darren Robertson / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Perfecting the Art of Being Ignored

Long distance relationships, (LDRs). Most of us have done one at some point or another. Me? I am no exception. I’ve been in one long distance relationship longer than I’ve been in all my realtime relationships altogether, so I’ve learnt a thing or two about LDRs. I’ve learned that I’m not a fan.  My thoughts? Don’t do it. Get out when you can, cut your losses, move on and save yourself the stress, expense and impending heart break.

Essentially, in my view, long distance relationships help you perfect the art of being a-o-k with being ignored.

“Ride or die”

Roight.

Something about that concept seems a whole lot more enticing when you are a teenager and the ‘die’ part isn’t a reality teetering on your doorstep. After a certain age, you tend not to throw that ‘die’ word around too much, cause it just might happen. Who the hell really wants to die when there so so much more of life to be lived? Hellz Naw. Sheeeeeeeeet.

After a certain age, “Ride solo” becomes a much more viable option than “die”.

First things first, LDs will never work indefinitely. Don’t just opt to enter into a LDR without any specific talk of when both parties will eventually re/unite. Just met and think talk of ‘commitment’ is too soon? Therein lies the first and only waving red flag you will ever need; for everything after that is downhill.

When to call it quits:

1. When the time you have been in a long distance relationship is longer than the sum time that you have ever existed together in the same space.

2. If you aren’t married, and therefore don’t legally have to subject yourself to abject loneliness.

That said, I do think LDRs serve some purpose, just not the purpose of fulfilling the ‘happily ever after’ plot. LDRs probably work best when a firm relationship foundation has been established  and, in true fine form, life rares it’s head and demands that one partner be away for a period of time, a year perhaps, because of work maybe, but said individual will. Be. Back for [other] contractual reasons.

There must be a plan, Stan. This is not backpacking in Europe. Roughing it just wouldn’t cut it, for you will find yourself stranded in Relationship’s harsh desert with nothing but mirages in sight for miles.

For example, long distance relationships are ideal for:

1. The commitment-o-phobe.

Not to be confused with the ‘single, independent and I like it that way’s, but the commitment-o-phobes – those of us who enjoy the highs of being in a relationship but are freaked out by the sheer permanence of it.

If you fall into this category, then you absolutely score with LDRs. You get to be in a relationship without actually having to be in, or move like you are in one. Ever. You can come, go, and stay where and as you please. For all intents and purposes, you are single, for all but 2-4 weeks of the year when you actually see your [alleged] significant other. The time is such a hot minute, that no-one in your camp has to either know that the person who is visiting you has a ‘special status’, or conversely, that you have gone missing. There is no lingering body trailing you anywhere consistently, and so you are under no pressure to explain anything or introduce anyone to …. anyone, period.

Rather, you get to have an out-of-town fantasy whenever, and only as, it suits you best. Brilliant.

2. The needy

You get to bore somebody to death with the mundane happenings of your day, good, bad or indifferent. Because the person doesn’t see you often, s/he will feel less likely to either say they are busy or worse, hang up on you, stuff that will metaphorically happen in real life.

The upside to being on the other end of the telephone conversation is that you don’t really HAVE to listen or pay attention. Cause unlike a face-to-face convo, your reaction and body language isn’t being monitored so you don’t have to cater. You can do whom or whatever else you please on the other end. No worries.  Just put that phone on speakerphone already, say your “hmmms”, “ooohs” and “really?s” and get on with with your life.

3. The serial relationship-er

Those of us who physically cannot live without being in a relationship. This way, although it may be option Y, it’s still better than option Z – being alone, because of course having someone in the figment of your imagination is lots better than the thought of being ‘alone’.

If you do not fall into any one of these categories, you stand to gain very little from being in an LDR. In this case even the thought of an LDR is hive inducing, which is probably why you have figured out that you’d rather be single than in a LDR.

b Freakin’Fabulous

Photo: graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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