5 Things NOT To Do To Your Skin this Summer.

5 of the worst things you can do to your skin during Summer.

1. Aggressive Facials

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By aggressive I mean any treatments that involve advanced exfoliation techniques, or includes terms such as chemical peels or microdermabrasion.

Also any facial procedures involving invasive techniques – cosmetic surgeries, nips, lifts, tucks – anything that pierces the face, should also be put off until the fall or winter, unless you would be recuperating in some retreat, indoors and far, far away from the hustle of life in the fast lane where the rest of us will be. If you would be at such a retreat, gwaan on along with your treatment and please do us all a favour and, like a good friend, not mention how ‘ super awesome’ it was.

Exposure to UV rays already increases skin’s sensitivity. No need to make this sensitivity worse by dousing your face in glycolic acid. This combination can result in your worse nightmare, including, but not limited to blisters, darkening of skin areas and disfigurement.

2. Skipping moisturizer

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Typically most skin types are more oily during the summer months. Those of us with naturally oily/ acne prone skin tend to forgo moisturizer altogether, thinking that this excess oil means that the skin moisturizes itself on it’s own. Increased oil production is usually a sign of dehydration, therefore it is important to replenish water levels in skin by increasing the amount of water you drink yes, but it’s said that only something like 10% of the water we drink actually make it to the skin. This is not something that you can quote me on, but considering that most of us barely pass the 2-glass mark daily for water, anything less than 115% absorption of this water we drink is cause for concern.

Therefore, applying a water-based, oil free moisturizer can help replenish the water levels in the skin. These types of moisturizers usually are labeled as such, may be referred to as a ‘gel’ or ‘fluid’ moisturizer and usually list ‘Water’ as the first ingredient.

Stay clear of anything that is labeled a ‘cream’, passes the ‘Dairy Queen’ test (you can turn the opened jar upside down and the contents not fall out), or contains mineral oil (or any such oil) in it’s ingredient listing.

3. Showering less

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“So many fun things to do, so little time!”

No papi. Not so fast.

It’s summer. It’s warm, and it’s humid. Bacteria are in love. They breed, and they multiply, which inevitably results in an odour. YOUR odour, aka B.O.

Hygiene in general needs to be thrown into high gear, and on autopilot. Automatic. Noone wants to out more fires than necessary at the BBQ lime.

Let’s remember the Summer watchwords – Shower & Shave.

4. Not exfoliating

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Closely related to #3, exfoliation of the body helps to remove excess oil buildup that may occur during the day. It helps skin to breathe, look instantly refreshed and ‘glow’, as manually exfoliating the body increases blood circulation.

You can cop one of those kazillion commercial body scrubs on the market and and get it on in the shower. However, I find most of them oily, and hardly worth their cost as most contain very little exfoliating ingredients.

Alternatives?

Dry brush your skin using a dry body brush before you shower, brushing in strokes that lead toward your heart (the direction in which your blood flows). I’ve read that dry brushing, among many other benefits such as shedding dead skin cells, rejuvenating the nervous system and assisting in lymphatic cleansing to name a few, also assists with decreasing the appearance of cellulite… could be as good a reason as any to try it I’d say. Hey, I’ve done more for the promise of far less.

I find dry brushing more effective than brushing your skin in the shower (wet brushing I presume, though this term makes me feel like I need handcuffs), as  the bristles of the brushes, shown to the left, get softer in the shower.

I prefer my massage-pressure firm though, so if you are more of a light-pressure person, perhaps an in-shower brush-exfoliation may work. I do this twice a day – morning and evening.

For good measure, once a week I also do a body scrub, using a combination of cornmeal, honey and, for some slip, a bit of whatever body wash I’m using at the time.  Sometimes I just use ground coffee beans and body wash. Whatever is convenient. For more on body exfoliation see Smooth Criminal.

5. Not using sunscreen

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To my melanin-challenged folks, we aren’t all skin-kissed, bronze goddesses, I get that. But that is no reason to opt to play Cancer Roulette. Besides, sun-burns aren’t sexy, no matter what reality TV says. If wanting a tan is your reason to ride the sun-wave buck nekked, get a sun-less tan. There are tons on the market. I’m familiar with the brand Fake Bake – it’s fairly easy to use, it’s sold where I work, doesn’t leave you looking like like you belong on the Jersey Shore cast, and so this particular brand comes to mind, but there are many other brands. Try that route.

For those of us who are doing backstrokes in the melanin pond, don’t believe the hype that “Black Don’t Crack”. Not only can it crack, it can get mad spotty and unslightly – dark spots, light spots, uneven skin tone – you name it. Skin damage is not known to discriminate.

Be responsible with your skin, and, for wrinkles sake, use sunscreen.

Party on!

b FiercelyFabulous

image credit

It’s Official | Look Like Your Ex for $69.50

The madness is now official.

Meet the Levi’s “Ex-Girlfriend Jeans”

Product Description:

“Remember the girlfriend with the great style? Here’s a tribute to her — a fit that’s super-snug allover, an update of the five-pocket classic that’s as skinny as it gets. Made with plenty of stretch.”

Shown in Mask and available at a Levis Store near you.

Or if you really can’t wait, shop here.

Why do I feel a burning desire to tag this under “skin damage”?

Perhaps, the reason she left you was because you kept taking her isht?

Food for thought.

b Freakin’Fabulous

Dodging Fashion Roadkill | The Maxi Dress

S2011 | Micheal Kors

As long as there are women, there will always be the Maxi dress. Designers must find this fact annoying because, perhaps in an effort to relieve their boredom, they’ve decided to inject different textures and structures into this spring/ summer staple. The possible result? An epic miss, with some of the most unflattering combinations known to man… or in this case, woman.

The word “Maxi”, as it applies to a dress (or skirt), refers to either length (usually floor grazing) or fullness  (voluminous) – either way there is a whole lot of fabric. The goal of a Maxi dress is to create the illusion of easy sophistication, but this punchline can easily get muddled when designers run with such wild abandon in the park of imagination,  that they miss the mark  totally.

Most of trends for this Spring/ Summer 2011 (S2011) may be seen somewhere on a Maxi Dress near you. Beware of the pitfalls.

1. The See-Through-Maxi

S2011 Trend: Lace/ See-through Fabrics

S2011 | Giorgio Armani

The issue: Visible underwear, isn’t Sexy. [Visibly] going without underwear, tramp style, is worse.  No-one is interested in seeing your ‘titillating’ ‘assets’. This dress will flatter noone with an ounce of flesh. Much more than the sheer fabric will be… bouncing… in the wind.

S2011 | Givenchy

The solution: Go sheer without going bare. Printed sheer materials can offer less translucency that plain coloured ones. Also, well placed detailing can detract, or conceal, areas of perverted interest. Depending on the dress, you can wear a (modern) slip.

2. The Bright, Boxy, Structured, Maxi

S2011 Trend: Bold Colours/ Menswear/ Suits

S2011 | Jill Saunders

The issue: Your waist called. He misses you.

May be laid back,  but this look is definitely not sexy. All that’s missing here are the potatoes, which is ironic because that’s probably the last thing that’s available  on that menu.

Proportions. Proportions. Proportions. An hourglass shape, or the illusion of one, is the key to classic style. Also,tThe overly structured look of this dress defeats the purpose of a Maxi dress.

S2011 | Lanvin

The solution: The bold colour rocks. Keep the structure to an asymmetrical neckline and a belted waist.

3. The Retro Maxi

S2011 Trend: Retro/ 60s Ladylike/ Red carpet glam

S2011 | Vivienne Westwood

The issue: More like 60s/ Ladylike Prom, and looks like the dress equivalent to helmet head – Untouchable.

S2011 | Lanvin

The solution: Switch up the fabric. Interpret the retro ladylike, rather than raid your mother/ grandmother’s closet. Similar silhouette, different reaction.

4. The Graphic Maxi (I)

S2011 Trend: Floral Prints

S2011 | Jill Saunders

The issue: Large prints, like this floral overwhelms petite frames. The dress’s voluminous nature around the waist area also does not complement a woman’s figure.

S2011 | Marc Jacobs

The solution: Choose a floral print that is proportional to your size – larger frames are better able to carry larger prints. Add interest to a floor grazing floral number with a contrasting detail in a complementary colour at the waist. Peek-a-boo skin, unveiled through a v-neck, gives balance to a potentially, visually dizzying number.

5. The Graphic Maxi (II)

S211 Trend: Bold Colours/ Geometric Prints/ Asymmetrical hems

S2011 | Vivienne Westwood

The Issue: An effort is made to highlight the waist with a twist-tie, but the  over-sized vertical stripes + no structure + peculiar dress length + bold colours+ excess fabric = Please Stop. My head hurts.

S2011 | Marc Jacobs

The solution: One voice at a time. Keep silhouettes, to dresses in busy fabrics, simple. The ruching detail in the right places breaks the monotony, and gives a flattering look to even the no-no horizontal stripe rule.

6. The White Maxi

S2011 Trend: All White/ Minimal/ 60s Ladylike

S2011 | Chloé

The issue: The abundance of fabric on the top half, in white no less, coupled with a gathered waist would make for an excessively commodious, unflattering look on most humans.

S2011 | Chloé

S2011 | Chloé

The solution: A wrap dress, or one that mimics it, is universally flattering, even in white, as it breaks up the details, as well as highlights the natural waist.

Tip: A V-neck works better than a round neck for fuller and/ or curvier figures.

7. The Unfinished Maxi

S2011 Trend: Asymmetrical Hems / Metallic/ Sheer/ Unfinished Detailing

S2011 | Vivienne Westwood

The issue: The first issue is the trend itself – Unfinished garments. Unhemmed garments, unclipped trimmings. A frayed, fuzzy look with thread dangling everywhere. Why? I’ll file this in the juvenile section, right next to destructed jeans.

More than the hems, the statement is undone in this crinkly, scratchy, bed-head looking kit, the draping of which also makes for an unflattering profile. Besides, if you are going to tote all of this fabric, and still have a peep show, why not just don a fitted, loosely crocheted dress instead? Oh yeah, that’s also a don’t.

S2011 | Micheal Kors

The solution: Just because the fabric has a metallic finish, doesn’t mean it has to look like it will cut you. Switching up the fabric to a touchable knit, (one that is also less sheer), and tightening the silhouette a touch, gives the still-asymmetrical look an easy-going, figure-enhancing flow. Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

8. The Body Concious Maxi

S2011 Trend: Body Concious/ White/ Lace/ Sheer Fabrics

S2011 | Emilio Pucci

The issue: The combination of the above trend may make for a body conscious, but not a body flattering combo. Perhaps this would be better worn as resort wear, in the form of a beach cover-up.

S2011 | Emilio Pucci

The solution: Emphasize your curves in one trend. Either in lace/ sheer fabrics OR a body hugging silhouette.

OTHER USEFUL TIPS

1. DO give unexpected skin via a high slit or an asymmetrical hemline to give overly voluminous , or excessively lengthy dresses a modern edge, as Emilio Pucci does here.

S2011 | Emilio Pucci

S2011 | Emilio Pucci

2. DO play with the Military trend with ‘sober’ colour choices – e.g. olive green, navy, combined with subtle masculine detailing.

S2011 | Lanvin

Whoever said that Power can only be unleashed in a pant suit must have never experienced the Power of a Maxi.

b Freakin’Fabulous

Dodging the Office Party Pitfalls

The Christmas Party. Or, if you work for one of those politically correct companies, the “Holiday” Party.

Obviously, you ought to go. This goes without saying.

Sure, you may be antisocial, you may despise your co-workers or you may rather count sheep than live though a convo with Frank from accounting, but it will do your career more harm than good if you just skip the shindig altogether. Why? Because not showing up for an office related event – be it a party, family day or someone’s horrid excuse for a ‘team building’ exercise – gives the impression that you aren’t interested in the company or your future there.

Now regarding any work related events, there are two things to always keep in mind:

1. No matter how far away from the office the venue is, remember that it’s still a work function.
2. Regardless how convincing the higher-ups seem to be about oh how it’s a time for everyone to kick off their shoes and let down their hair and just have a great time…. They’re lying.

The following are my top 8 things to avoid doing at your office party

8. One-upping your boss

You may be stronger/ faster/ better but keep that info to yourself.

This is not the time to speak about your stint in Milan as a model after being scouted in your first year in university when your boss responds to one of your co-worker’s brown-nosing comments about him looking dapper. Neither is this the time to share the fact that you and your fiance are heading to the Megeve Ski Resort in response to the fact that your boss’s “lean Christmas” is resulting in him opting for a staycation with his cat. And it’s definitely not the time to bring up the fact that you were the brains behind the newly implemented program that is has saved the company Xmillie amount of moolah this year.

Some other don’ts in this category:

• Don’t harp about how wonderful or wonderfully annoying your significant other is is – no-one, not limited to you boss, cares.
• Don’t start a chugging or eating contest… or any contest for that matter.
• Don’t brown-nose and/ or talk too much shop

If you are in line for a promotion, be sure to perhaps get your boss away from the melee for a minute and speak briefly on some of the ideas you have to implement strategies relating to a major upcoming project. Of course this should be done fairly early and pre-scotch, i.e. before the convo ends up going south a-la #5 below.

• And at all costs, don’t do…

7. The Elaine dance

A definite fail.

If you don’t know what this is, chances are you’ve already done it. Because it’s impossible to describe, here’s a video clip:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2cz0i

Under this we can include throwing down to any song that is decidedly inappropriate for the occasion. For example, displaying your best moves to Akon and Eminem’s “Smack That” and proclaming

“Man, this is my jaaaayyym!”

That may quite possibly be the last Holiday party the company will see both you and the DJ.

6. Hook up with a co-worker in the bathroom

Especially if you didn’t the the object of your urinal fling was all that and a bag of chips the day before, and/ or the person is more into you than you are into them. There will never be a good end to this scenario.

5. Have an ‘off-the-record’ convo with your boss after having had 2 shots of Patron

Though you may not remember the convo, chances are s/he will, and there will most definitely be an “on-the-record”  convo about it the morning after.

Under this we will include ‘smackin’ your boss’ @ss to aforementioned song, or smacking anyone for that matter lest a sexual harassment case slaps yours.

4. Bring your 2-minute old significant other to the party.

Though it may seem like a good idea at the time, this here can auger like a ticking time-bomb. You have no idea what to expect in the moment and chances are you’d either have to babysit the entire night, or have to deal with managing the after effects of him/ her displaying any of the above.

Although there are varying views regarding this, I’d go out on a limb here and say that unless you’re any combination of an executive/ married/ in line for a promotion and/ or/ therefore wish to avoid any compromising positions with that being from marketing who’s been getting a touch to friendly recently, keep business and personal private and leave your spouse out of it.

For those of us who flirt and/ or have lunch time DOOs with (a) co-worker(s), do your colleagues a favour and leave your ‘significant other’/ spouse home will ‘ya? Office parties are awkward enough, no need to bring the drama that will undoubtedly ensue.

3. Being the last one to leave.

Sure, you don’t get out often because of your work/ home responsibilities. And of course you wish to make the most of the $40 you paid the baby sitter to keep the kids overnight, but under no circumstance should you party the night away at your office shindig.

Show up on time [fashionably late never applies to work-related events] nurse a drink in one hand and make it across the room taking pit-stops at key points to ensure that your presence is noted. Then, just when the ties and the jackets start coming off, exit stage left and meet up with your real friends.

2. Calling in sick the day after because of your hangover

This is one of the biggest corporate no-nos. NEVER call in sick the day after:

• A company hosted event,
• A public holiday, or
• Your vacay.

I suppose the only thing worse would be being awakened by a tap on your shoulder by your boss… in your office, with your party hat on.

Find out what your company policy is on being hungover, being late – or not showing up at all – the day after the Holiday party. For most companies, it’s business as usual, no excuses.

1. Which all lead to the greatest office Holiday party DON’T ever:

Don’t get drunk.

Please enjoy responsibly.

Freakin’Fabulous

Related post: Office Party Ettiquette

Inappropriate Much?

I was privy to a child of about 8 years old dressed in the same outfit as her mother.

Umm. Why?

I find this disturbing. Porque? Because that mother should have some sense not to dress her child in a Halter top and matching short, shorts and boots. It’s bad enough on the mother, who managed to look like a stuffed sausage in stilettos, but the child, dressed in what was an obvious attempt to appear cute, just looked like a little Jon-Bennet on steroids.

What mother in their right minds would dress their little precious like a hoochie mama from Murray street corner? How is that cute? and lemme at the person who invented children’s shoes with high heels! There are medical reasons why children should not wear high heels, the decision to wear them is purely an adult one, as the repercussions range from mild discomfort to bunions and back pain. Have we taken leave of our senses?

Gone are the days of those cute little dresses with the frills that actually said “little girl here”. The days of the T-Shirts and jeans that didn’t cup the buttocks, the ones with the pony tails and ‘My Little Pony’ skirts.

Not to mention children today don’t even look like children physically. I happened to see a little one the other day. Was that the beginning of boobs? Hips? a butt?

“But wait!”

I wailed to my sister.

“She’s only 8!”

This could not be happening. But it was. It is. I have realised that the time is now if we are going to grip the bulls by the horns and start to teach our daughters that the human body is a temple. That should be treated with respect. It’s now.

I’m really disturbed. If we as mothers are not teaching our children, by word or deed, to respect themselves, then are we really so surprised when they don’t know their own worth and accept other peoples disrespectful treatment of them?

This is a trend that is getting worse as the ‘little girls’ are getting younger and younger. Babies are toddling about in leggings and t-backed tops or pint sized bikinis for the beach… 15 year olds are dressed like show girls from las Vegas to go to Prom/Graduation.

Where does it end? You can’t dress your little one like an adult and then go off the deep end when she mouths off on you – she thinks she is a little adult and so she’s confused when you smack the teeth out her mouth ( which is incidentally the correct response for back talk – forget the police, send the army cause I’m about the bring it like Saddam.)

And these days these little children are coming out with their hands on their hips and a “NOW WHAT?” attitude, the days of little bobble head babies are long gone – these coming out with swag.

All the more reason to let these children be children for as long as possible.

Teaching respect for oneself is something that is taught by actions, the everyday living of it, not the talk.

As it is right now I am fully aware that there are crazies out there who can get high off those baby commercials where the baby is licking a spoon.  EW.

So how much more will they be triggered by the sight of your sexily dressed little one?

As adults we can handle the results of our actions, and so its much more acceptable if you want to wear a nice pair of (tasteful) shortpants that flatter your shapely legs. Good for you if your halter show’s off your baby soft skin , and boobies to make a priest cry.

But We’re adults. And therefore more equipped to handle any weirdos that may blow our way.

As Parents we must protect our children as much as we can. Chances are we wont see when the weirdo passes by, casing out the joint looking for his next victim. Chances are we won’t even see his face. But we should be damned if we make his choices any easier for him.

Children should look like children, and dress like it, and I believe that this goes across the board – from zero months – 12 years, they should look like children. Teens are a different story – but the same thought process applies. If they are treated like teens – then they will act like it.

Forward ever…

Dominatrix and Dollar Store Hooker Steez

Boo.

Two blinks and it’s halloween y’alls. That special time of the year where people who don’t have the “good fortune”, (whatever it takes, be it finances, circumstances, or just plain “no-clue”) to experience Trinidad Carnival, a celebration that’s dubbed the greatest show on earth, “let loose” and let their fantasies flow.

Now… some fantasies should be lived out and some should just be imagined. Really.

Issue at hand

Choosing a costume.

As usual, guys are normally covered, pun intended. Their costumes tend to be funny, original, thought provoking and even if it’s boring its usually, just that… “boring”. Not “obscene” or cause grievous visual harm to the casual unlooker.

My fellow X-X chromosomes? Wow. Another story altogether.

Ladies, let’s try to keep it together this rounds okay?.

For starters, not everyone was meant to be a Dominatrix or French Maid. Or better fete, a whore. At least we aren’t meant to walk the streets in that get up. If you have bills to pay sure, I’m not judging, but I’m saying. To walk around looking cheap[er] than you already are just for kicks and giggles? I mean, really. What’s the motivation?

I’ve overheard acquaintances and frenemies alike speak of their costumes and it just sounded like a broken record. Granted I’ve never really done the Halloween partying thing though, so .. maybe you have to be there to understand the appeal of going out of your way to just look like the cheapest, trashiest, hooker on a dime, but… I don’t get it. I understand that we’re going for the ‘Sexy‘ look, but ‘Sexy‘ and ‘Cheap‘ aren’t synonyms yo. I never, ever get it, but then again, I’m never, ever in the majority.

The dollar store isn’t a destination my lovelies.

One or two picks from there but not head to toe.

“Goooooooosh” (furnished with a Hills accent).

How about Grecian Goddess?

Sounds like a stretch I know. But is it? Not as half as trashy looking and a kazillion times more attractive than a dollar store ‘hoe. Even better, any size can organize a lil sum’n sum’n and look on point in that.

Real life or fantasy, never underestimate the power of dressing your size, and your ambition. That never goes out of style. Just because you’re a closet freak does it mean that you have to put your alter-ego on display come October’s end. Because guess what? You’ll no longer be a closest freak, you’ll just be a cheap trick in denial the morning after.

The draped fabrics. long or mini. Your choice. Leather bands with the feathers in the hair. Drop waist beaded dresses with the sequined head bands a la the early 20s singers. A long cigarette holder in your hand with a long glove, and a beautiful fan in the other.

Create the fantasy dammit. Drag it on. Get fabulously chic.

We’re grown for Goodness sake. Not much of a longing fantasy is created with a dominatrix costume.

If you need to parade in high heels and a dress with your butt cheeks and mammaries hanging out to feel sexy, then that’s sends a blinding red-light to signal that you just might have some deep, deep rooted issues which altogether spell ‘I-N-S-E-C-U-R-E’ and ‘D-R-A-M-A-_-R-I-D-D-L-E-D’. Either that or your play-date life isn’t as half as exciting as you’d like everyone to believe that it is. Either way your business, just like your mammaries, is in the road.

As I was discussing with one of my man friends the other day, the biggest freaks in the party will never be seen dancing on the club tables.

Underglow freaks ahead; Keep the pilot light on.

We know our moves. We ain’t got *ish to prove, cause trust that everyone who’s experienced it ain’t complainin’. That’s half the reason why our business isn’t in the damn road cause nobody want to mess THAT link up. No advertisement necessary. The right people know exactly where to find it. Hellleeeeer!

So get it right.

Dressing like a $2 hooker only makes you look like a freebie. Halloween or no Halloween.

Get Grown. Stay Sexy.

b Freakin’Fabulous

Photo: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Frog Prince | Is that YO’ man?

Sitting in a car stuck in traffic, my attention is caught by a small, but noticeable brawl happening in the car next to me. The driver of the car was being verbally whipped by his female companion.

Chick: “Wa yuh watching she so for eh!?“

Dude: “Baby, I wasn watching nobody.”

Chick: “Yes! ah see yuh! yuh was watching that skinny Bi-atch. Yuh fine she nice, eh?”

Two slap pelt.

Chick: “Eh? eh? whey she is? lemme firetruck she up.”

I have to admit the ish was funny, I mean who doesn’t like a little gridlock drama to break up the monotony of the red-light that will not turn.

But  when their car pulled up level with mine and she started cursing ME? Well that was a different set of laughter altogether. Why was she angry with me? What did I do? Driving off, the last I saw, chick was jumping out the car to get over to the driver’s side.

I didn’t think about it much, until I was forced to remember the episode when I was at dinner later that same week.

Now, first things first, you know this diva. She don’t leave her house looking like no VIT [Vagrant in Training]. Skinny Jeans, nice shirt and, since I really liked the fella who was taking me out, he was worthy of me bringing out the big guns –  SLAMMIN’ heels.

Oblivious to anyone other than my my date, I take my seat, and the night begins on a lovely note.

Enter twenty minutes, and I become conscious of not one but two pairs of eyes glaring at me. Two ladies, both on their own dates, are giving me LEVEL cut eye. They’re strangers to one another and they are unaware of each other, but from my vantage point I can see that this is not going to turn out well if I am not careful. Simply because, try as they hard as they could, their male counterparts are trying not to look as if they are looking at me, and one idiot just gave up the fight and stared at me without any thought for his companion.

Now, please do not think that I am standing on a corner toot-toot-tooting on my little rusty horn. I am by no means a pagent queen, and would be the first to tell you that I ain’t no exotic beauty. I should have known that those shoes would have that kind of effect on men. They were my CFMs/ FMPs, [if you are unsure about what THAT is click here] and NO MAN can resist.

But I get away from my topic.

I am wondering why it is that we ladies are quick to attack another woman, an innocent woman, just because she exists, when the problem is clearly the fault of the toads we sometimes try to turn into princes?

How is it my fault that their MAN (temporary or not) does not respect them. I have been there too, sitting in the front seat of a car and my companion is distracted by a pair of long legs or a buxom beauty. Out comes the tongue, looney tunes style, eyes bug out on springs, and the hearts fly above the ears. The brave ones (or the stupid ones – you pick) may even go so far as to say:

“Pssst, O lord gyal, yuh sexy too bad! MMM! Ah HONG-gry!“

If I am out on a date, or its my BF, then I find some way to politely remind him that I am still breathing beside him, and then I either let this disaster take its course and remind myself that I am quite capable of taking a taxi, head for the hills, never again to return.

Ladies: Life Lesson # 456.

.

Never tolerate your date/boyfriend disrespecting you in any way whatsoever.

Take into consideration, however, that if he takes a peep, without hurting your feelings. He’s trying. After all he ain’t dead or blind. But at least he has taken into consideration that you are there beside him and he is  aware that you have feelings. Never make a scene. You are just opening the door for him to disrespect you some more. Possibly to give his card to the lady he was oogling when you leave to go to the bathroom, having just written you off as drama he could do without.

And, # 678,

Never EVER blame the other woman.

Unless she sashays brazenly over to the table where you are sitting enjoying your meal, looking at each other all googly-eyed, drinking your champagne, all arms curled, you know honeymoon style, Unless she offers her self to him and makes and holds eye contact with your stallion, inviting him to mount, Unless she takes out her boob and flings it at him thereby catching and keeping his attention, you need to be taking out whatever vexation you have on your man.

Rinse and Repeat.

YOU accepted the responsibility of training a toddler, didn’t you?

You, my friend, are the one who chose this poor excuse for a human being, and let him share the divine castle that is your life. You saw the signs; you know how he do. What you fretting with the innocent for?

In fact, I’d even go so far as to say: It’s YOUR issue. Take it up with yourself.

Because you are the one who is sending the message that you are not worthy of being treated like the ‘princess’ that you obviously think you are. Wake up! If you have kissed this frog a thousand times and he still doesn’t go POOF! and turn into the handsome, gallant prince – smoke, mice and footman included – see him for what he is, a toad, gather him up, and take him back to the sewer where you found him. *splish!* He’s home now, and believe me he’s happy.

But if you keep him *smile* and he treats you the only way he knows how being a toad from the sewer, i.e. like ish, then who’s fault is that? The hot W.O.W. wearing the killer heels, sitting with her own Prince, who incidentally is not looking anywhere else but at her object of affection, who couldn’t be bothered with the chicken heads.

“No ma’am sorry but I don’t feel like chicken today. How about a rump roast, medium rare, sauce on the side please and thank you.”

And resumes staring lovingly at his companion? My fault? NOOOO. Its YOUR fault baby, for not reading GC more often, and applying the tips we share every damn day for cleaning out your closet.

Trust me, these dramatic displays of emotion never do anything but paint you as the needy, emotionally unbalanced, grasping, human being you are, [or are not].

Try this instead:

In carefully modulated tones, and with the sweetest smile that you can conjure up on your face, say:

“Um, hey hun – are you about to go give her your number? Cause if you are, let me give her for you. I was just thinking that you two would make a lovely couple. She is so your type.

Sooo…  Should we order now?”

And then make a mental note to call your friend when you get to the ladies, and see if they still wanna hit the club after this dinner is over, cause if homeboy don’t realize that you are Fabulously Fierce, then he deserves to be left behind, sitting next to his sewer waiting for his next victim to come along and mistake him for a Frog Prince.

Let someone else handle that mess.

Forward ever.

Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

I have always felt that in order for one to achieve true happiness, one must follow one’s life path, while stepping on the least  number of toes possible, or causing hurt to anyone around you otherwise.

I have been privy to many ideas and notions of what makes a man, a man. The alpha male. The good man. The elusive one as I like to call it.

There is the physical attribute bit – tall, easy on the eye, strong shoulders, shoulders straight not rounded, generally fit … My  ideal man does have a resemblance to a certain shape-shifting wolf, in a certain series of sunsetting of movies…

Back to the point at hand, there are lots of ideas of what a real man should look  like, and how he should act. I overheard an idea this week, which spoke of men as powerful creatures,  who ruled the world with just a hint of a smile and charisma, with firmness, and of course people follow him every where like slaves, or mice stumbling after the pied piper.

The true male – at least by society’s standards – is without fault, and without failure.

Hmm. Good luck with that.

I find that hard to believe. In fact I will go so far as to say the Alpha male, as was just described, does not exist.

I’ve had a lot of interaction with the male species of human being, but first let me give you some insight into who I am as a woman.

I am not lacking in intelligence. I am not in the habit of allowing situations that occur in and around my personal space to colour my feelings – ( that all men are horrid, horrid creatures), though I will admit to having used it at one point or another,  in a natural fit of rage, for example when the child’s father insists on not purchasing the stuff for the child like he said he would.

In my experiences, it would appear that men can swing either which way when it comes to being a good or bad one. But this isn’t limited to only men – each person has the potential to become either the best that they can be, or the worst  being mankind has ever seen.

The notion that men are these invincible beings, at the top of the food chain, who possess the power to screw with my life as they see fit is the part that I don’t subscribe to. This is real life not “Twilight” dammit.

What we have is the Individual Man, the one who does not fit in to any mould cut out for him by any society, but tries to live his life as best he can without consciously hurting anyone that he may meet – male or female

Now we talking.

I could care less whether a man displays Alpha male tenancies, from what I read these are easy to imitate, so easy  I see an entirely different species – women – imitating it quite convincingly.

What I’d rather see is a man who has the guts and the gumption to own his actions.

Trust me when I say that I don’t want to hear the excuse,

” Well I was hurt by another woman long time ago ,and so I just going to do the same thing to every other woman I meet until I feel that I have squeezed out of life what is due to me.”

That doesn’t make you a Pretend Alpha Male, or an Alpha Male who’s been hurt and isn’t really like that , that just makes you a vindictive douche.

And I don’t want to know that you “have respect for every woman” as an Alpha male, because you and I know that is also a load of crock. Ish on a stick. If you can drop your pants and share some sugar stick without having feelings for your lady friend that doesn’t make you a bad person, that just means that you are taking what is being offered. What defines you is whether you are being HONEST about it.

I believe in the actions of the Individual Male.

I believe that each person should do what is right for him/her without actively causing pain to another by their actions. What I hate most about any man is the justification for their actions.

“Well I didn’t tell you I loved you back because I was taken off guard”…

“Well yes I did cheat on you, but you never give me attention anymore.”

“Well, I was hurt by another woman that you don’t know at all, and that is why I acted how I did, treated you how I did, I’m really a swell person and you should love me now, I’m all better…”

“I respect women across the board, I love and cherish women, what? Relationship you say? um nah – lets just have some quick sex – but doh tell anyone eh? I don’t want my friends to know that we are having sex. It would complicate things and people would know that, well… we’re having sex.”

“I hit you but you made me do it, no honey I wasn’t listening to Chris Brown or Eminem at the time.”

When I do my wrongs and I’m found out, I accept that I’ve been caught ,and I brace myself for whatever the consequences may be. I won’t say I’ve never told a lie, or ever hurt someone by my actions – that would be an untruth. But, when presented by the irrefutable evidence of misbehaviour as I would see it – I always judge a person by themselves – Never with the weight of their predecessors on them. Its oh – so tempting but really? What good would that serve?

I cannot and will not allow society to corral me into what they think  should be as a “Woman”.

So what if I’m not married at 32, and so what if I didn’t go to college? So what if I am not a Beauty Queen, or have life handed to me on a silver platter, So what? If they think I don’t fit the mould of what they think I should be – then they missing out on a great person. Their loss.

Likewise, I refuse to buy into what society thinks is what a man should be, or how he should act. The only thing I want from a man is that he be honest with him self and me.

Yuh like plenty woman? Say so.

Yuh like to party at the night club? Say so.

Yuh just want to have a sexual relationship – no feelings or emotions involved? Tell me.

Tell me up front and then let me make the decision whether I want to deal with that isht or not.

Who knows maybe I might say - “yeah ok… cool” or perhaps “Nah I’m on a different path right now.”

But don’t lie to and make people think, by word or deed, that there is a chance, for something greater, or  (the best one) that the other person is at fault, To me this is what defines a man as a man.

We all know that some people may think that its ok to subscribe to this kind of nonsense. I’m not judging them for that, but I refuse for anyone to think I am less for my choices , because my choices are not their choices.

Everyone is always quick to point fingers, to judge, but I am a strong advocate of fixing what is in your house first before you lend me your hammer to nail down meh roof.

All of us are human. We all have to deal with our choices in life. But there is not one rule that states that we have to be silent about it – just because society does not agree with what they believe is right.

Men to me are just that. Men.

Capable of fault, and making mistakes. And choosing that path to where ever it is they need to go. Equipped with the knowledge of right and wrong. What makes you a better MAN is not your animalistic tendencies. What makes you a REAL man is not whether you display societies definition of the Alpha male.

Its your compassion for your fellow man. Your Ability to lead despite what society says about you. The knowledge of what is right and what is wrong and the implementation of this into your everyday life.

The ability to say:

“Hey there. I made a terrible mistake. I do think you are a swell lady. But when you were ready for love I was not. its not that I didn’t feel the same way, its just that i wasnt ready for any kind of feeling at all…”

The presence of mind to say – “This is me.  You may not like it but here I am. Take it or leave it.”

And of course the ability to see when you have a good woman who loves you. Chances are she won’t be your ideal woman either (not every one looks like Aishwarya Rai).

Its so NOT you talking about your fellow man, behind his back, trying to make another man look small, pointing fingers at someone because their choices are not your choices. Its not you trying to make them look a certain way in the eyes of the lady who used to be in love with you but now has fallen in love with someone else. Someone you may not consider worthy of her. Someone you may think is not society’s  idea of a Real Man.

But look at it this way.

If she were so great, and worthy of a good man when you had her in your sights? What stopped you from showing her off to the world? What made you let her go?

A real man would say: “I had a good woman. I messed it up. She’s happy now. I want her to be happy.”

A real man would concentrate on making himself better. He would not think that he is above reproach, he would try to make him self better for the next lucky lady who happens to choose to be in love with him.

A real man is just that -REAL.

Forward ever.

Stupid Happens

The tabloids are dominated by stories of those naughty male celebrities.

Tiger.

Rooney.

Both cheated on their wives.

Some men cheat with other women friends, others with prostitutes. The age old case of men not knowing how to keep it in their pants. If I were to ask you to identify a relationship crime where the man is the victim, what would you say? Cheating?

I would say pregnancy.

There are so many unplanned pregnancies; mine was one of them. Luckily, I was already married, so didn’t have to depend on hubby to “do the right thing“. He did that ten years ago because he loved me – not because he had to.

My question is: why do women in this day and age continue to put themselves in such a precarious situation? It is plain carelessness!

What’s that you said?

“Accidents happen.”

BS.

What?

“Condoms break.”

“Pills don’t work.”

Are you for real?

When you really think about the responsibility of bringing a child into this earth and all that goes with that, can we as women really afford to continue to let “accidents happen”?

Before I go pointing fingers, let me first look in the mirror.

Thing is, having done well by my uterus and given birth, I can safely say that the second line appeared on that dreaded stick because I let my guard down – you know, the guard of my womb. Officer Condom and his side kick, Officer “What day is it in my cycle?”

Can’t blame anyone else but myself. Now, yes I love my my son, yes, I was already married and yes, Iexisted within the perfect environment for a baby. This we know. However, I do sometimes think:

“What if hubby and I weren’t married?”

Would he have married me if I got pregnant? And would he have just married me because I was pregnant? It would have been forced not as natural and beautiful as it was almost ten years ago, when he stood at the altar waiting for me. And yes I was in a dress.

I sometimes ask myself why women put themselves in such stupid situations. There are a number of reasons. The first one that comes to mind is no regard for the future, in all the ways you can imagine that word.

So you get pregnant. Options?

1. Have the baby.
   Keep it or give it up for adoption.
2. Have an abortion.

With option 1 you get to deal with all of the changes your body goes through to have the baby.

Getting fat.

Loss of bladder control.

Hormones.

Mood swings.

Flatulence. All of this before your water breaks.

Then there is the actual having the baby. The intense pain. Feeling like you are going to give birth to Saturn. Having someone you don’t know wipe your ass. (I said that like having someone you know wipe your ass is better! Mimi!) The tearing. The stitches. I think I’ve made my point.

Or, you can go choose to deal with the fallout of option 2.

If you have an abortion, there is the risk that you damage your womb and threaten your chances of having children in the future.

As women, we go on and on about being equal, or sometimes superior, and yet we can’t seem to control the very thing that makes us an object of desire and the subsequent consequences. Our poom poom!

As we would say in Trinidad:

“doh lie dong on yuh back if yuh eh ready for de pong.”

And as a woman, why would you want a man to marry you because you are pregnant? I think that is insulting. Degrading even. I don’t want a man to marry me because it is the right to do by my blossoming uterus. Or because my father would kill him. I want him to marry me because he wants to marry me. The key word there being ME.

And don’t tell me women get pregnant by accident! The word “accident” is so misleading. Statements like “it was an accident” are so trivial. So you got knocked up by accident? An accident that has repercussions in the form of another human being?

The dictionary defines accident as “an unfortunate mishap; especially one causing damage or injury”. Other definitions allude to an accident being something that is unexpected. Unexpected. All women should know you that if you choose to get laid without protection, you should expect that you can/ will get pregnant.

Nothing unexpected about that!

What? You didn’t expect it to happen to you?  So… when the sperm swims up your vaginal canal into your uterus and sees the egg…she should shout “Halt! Nothing happening here today!”

Doesn’t work like that ladies! Sorry.

Ladies, we need to take more responsibility for our wombs. It belongs to no one else but us. Not our men, whether they be our husband or a random guy you banged last weekend. You wouldn’t expect a random man to clean your house or pay your bills. So why ask men to take responsibility for something that belongs to you?

Solutions?

.

Become aware of your body, your cycle, and know the fertile days from the non-fertile days. Use two types of contraception. – The pill and condoms.

I can’t stress this enough. I am so tired of hearing about women getting pregnant by accident. And I have many friends who this has happened to. It just bothers me that women claim to be this, and that, and yet so many of us can’t keep it in our pants. We have Masters degrees and earn higher salaries than men. We’re independent, we want equality, and yet we still end up bare foot and pregnant.

And for what? A night of passion? An orgasm or two? A warm, hot body next to us? Maybe. If every woman started watching a video of a squatting birth before having sex, maybe there would be less unplanned pregnancies. Granted there may be less sex, but you get my point.

To the girls who got pregnant and are convincing themselves that they don’t want to get married. Who are you tying to fool? That is woman speak for, “He doesn’t want to marry me, so I might as well act as if I didn’t want to get married anyway.”

So have sex. Lots of it. I’m getting mine, so who am I to tell anyone not to get theirs. But, use caution. Another life depends on it.

Mimi out.

Russian Roulette

Further to my previous post, “Breakin’ it down | Real vs. Pseudo Alpha Males” here’s my best take on the female equivalent, from the Posers to DIVAs, and all in between. Perhaps after this the ladies will appreciate the difficulties that eligible men encounter, in trying to find a suitable partner. If you disagree, I dare you to counter.

A synopsis of the previous article, I discussed the different types of males, determined that there were loosely three types; The Real Alpha Males (RAM), The Follower and the Pseudo Alpha Male (PAM), after which I concluded that the preferable male for the serious minded, mature, intelligent professional women was in fact the RAM.

So my classes of women that I’ve observed follow:

1. The Paper Dolls
- Can be seen ‘posing’ in the club in the latest gear including the inevitable blackberry, which she is using to text her BFFs who are also in the same party (Duh. Why?).

- Can be loosely defined, personality wise, as shallow and a pack follower.

- Has no independent thought, must go to the bathroom in packs of four or more. Usually younger females, aged 18-23. Not a very good prospect for a  RAM, unless he wants all his business out in the road via BBM. Relationships, if they can be so defined, are very fleeting with these specimens.

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2. The Posers
Actually a hybrid of the Paper Dolls, and may have the same age overlap (18-26), they just tend to be a little more mature.

- Not as dependent on the BBM.

- Can operate under her own steam, but tends to use men as trophies – nice car, new threads, baddest phone, plenty bling – you get it. In short, she is attracted to only PAMs until she morphs further up the female ladder. After she morphs though, does a RAM really want to interact with her?

.

3. Gold Diggers
The most difficult to identify of all the classes of females being discussed here, this specimen will appear to be genuine to the unsuspecting RAM.

- Appears not to have any BFFs (what woman do you know doesn’t have a BFF though?), can move on her own steam, and gives off the vibe of an independent woman. One example of this would be no ‘group’ bathroom breaks.

- She’s well mannered, put together to a tee, fashionable without a doubt, very chic, yet not over the top like De’ Bad Ting‘ (see below).

This is usually how she catches her prey. Deceipt, “come into my web, said the spider to the fly“, and then pounce. Before you know it the RAM will probably be down quite a few stacks in one fell swoop, then she will be onto the next victim.

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4. De Bad Ting’
Pressure with this one due to certain skills, or so I’ve been told.  Skills that the ordinary female does not possess.

- Generally are not found in the bourgeois environment. Additionally, PAMs have been known to cultivate one or two in addition to their bourgeois PIM (professional, intelligent mature) women.

This female adds nothing to the RAM or PAM except for the purported ‘additional skills’ which are not in the scope of this article.

NB: Two (2) Bad Tings’ in one area, interacting with the same RAM or PAM will be cause for serious drama.

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5. The Jaggabat
De’ Bad Ting’ squared.

Boy if I have to explain that one for you, Wow. With that in mind, we’ll leave it as… “De’ Bad Ting squared”.

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6. The DIVA
All hail the Diva, “You shall kowtow before me. I am the centre of the universe – yours and mine. Begone before me“.

As said with that opening statement, you are expected to wait hand and foot on the Diva, her needs/wants supersede everyone else.

And finally…

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7. The Professional, Intelligent Mature Women (PIM)
Definitely the cream of the crop for the RAM, PAM and The Follower alike. She is independent and trusting. Read: No:

• “who she?” (How do you know her… again?)
• “wha’ she name?” (Why haven’t I heard her name before? You guys seem awfully chummy for her to be a newcomer)
• “why you talkin’ to she?” (I’m not understanding her relevance. Care to explain?)

These ladies are caring, friendly, and generally a complement to any RAM who is blessed to be in a relationship with her (if she is in a relationship with a PAM, that’s self destructive. See previous article.

So there you have it, a broad look of the many different versions of the female homo-sapien that can be covered in this very concise article. Count them, SEVEN (7) different types of ladies to interact with. Think that’s bad?

Let me complicate this even more.

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Males are generally set in their ways once a RAM, PAM or The Follower, always a RAM, PAM or The Follower. Women however, like the beautiful butterflies that they can be compared to, can morph into variations of the 7 different versions. Hybrids.

Do you see how difficult that can be for us men to deal with? We can actually encounter a female who is a Poser with DIVA tendencies….PRESSURE. Or what about a Paper Doll with a Gold Digger finish? My head hurts with all the combinations….ARRGH…!!!!

Here’s more, look at this scenario:

• Female A is a Poser she hookups with one or more PAMs, which causes her to become very jaded when looking at men in general. She morphs beautifully into a PIM. What chance does a RAM have in this situation? Does he have to pay for the misdeeds of the PAMs before him…? Is it his fault that PAMs are A-holes? See he’s starting, thru no fault of his own, last in the race. Tough break.

In closing, I would encourage women to not write-off (you know you do) guys who come up to talk to you, normally with no sexual connotations.

Sure, you may have no idea what type of man he may be (roughly 3 to pick from), but he has no clue whatsoever where on the female evolutionary cycle or what permutation/combination of the aforementioned cycle you may be at. Geeze. GIVE HIM A CHANCE.  Talk to him first before you give him the X. He may be your RAM.

**Disclaimer**: Please note that any age groups proposed here for each female class are not hard and fast, they can vary. It is possible to have a 22 year old PIM, or a 30 year old Paper Doll.

Vox out.

Photo: Roland Darby / FreeDigitalPhotos.net